Oh, your mother was sexually abused? Are you saying that she was sexually abused by her father who was a minister? How old was she when that happened? Did her mother step in and stand up for her or did her mother turn a blind eye?

I can't diagnose your mother as NPD, but I was thinking that may have been her problem. Someone can develop NPD due to abandonment and even abuse of some kind. However, a person can develop it by getting everything they want and being spoiled which keeps the person in "the world revolves around them" stage and they never grow past that.

Sometimes what can happen is if a child is "invaded" by someone they are supposed to trust to protect them, and the other parent fails to protect them, they can develop painful skewed thinking. If that person has children, they can be confused about nurturing their own children, and sometimes what takes place is they can have a child that reminds them of a person who abandoned or hurt them, or might remind them of a part of themselves that was abused and they can distance or punish that child. There are times when a parent will abuse one child and not abuse the other children. They have been trying to understand "why" a certain child is selected to abuse.

If your mother was abused by her father and she also ended up having a challenged life after that, as your mother did have a down's syndrome child that died, she can have a deep twisted belief that she was being punished. If you take that same woman who has a talented daughter who is adored by her father, which is what she was supposed to have, that can evoke deep anger and resentment and jealousy towards that child and it can be very deep subconscious challenge too. If you put that along with how your mother ended up having to be the caregiver to your father until he died, again that could be a big blow because again she was expected to give of herself and not really have "her own safety and pleasures" in her life.

Here "you" are this little bright shining star that had a daddy that supported her and she really did shine and thrive. That can be something that someone who was robbed of that can begin to deeply resent. Most likely deep in your mothers mind what she probably felt is that not only did her father not give her what she needed, but also her husband abandoned her when he spent more time adoring you then her. Did she watch you go off in the world thriving and shining while she was stuck caregiving for your father? Was your brother the "only" male that was somehow "there" for her? Even though he had challenges?

It could very well be that when she read that will punishing you, yes it was a very "twisted" anger and resentment towards you. But it was not really "you", it was how you managed to get something in your life that she did not. If your mother had gotten safety and caring and support by her father and mother, and had not been violated, her ability to be a better nurturer would have been there for you. Instead of resenting you, she would have had the mindset to enjoy seeing you get what she would have gotten had she had the right kind of love and encouragement. "Hurt people, Hurt people".

Unfortunately, your mother also used your brother to support her anger towards you, you who represented something that had been unattainable for her. And it was not all that hard for her to do that because he had challenges and was not the child who was shining who had talents that were getting supported. It is very probable that your brother was vented to a lot, so he has a lot of negative messages that were fed to him over and over, and unfortunately, the human brain does learn and deeply retain things that are put into it repetitively. Unfortunately, your brother was drawn to a nurturer who was deeply disturbed, as a child is so malleable and can imprint anything, even what is wrong or bad.

If a mother is "healthy", a child like you is always encouraged and it is pleasing to the mother even if a child, her child, does better and shines in some way and is happy. Well, you mother was not "healthy mentally" and she never even got real help for that.

It is not unusual for a child like you to be very confused by this outcome either. What you could not understand when you asked her how she could be so mean to you and take pleasure in reading that will to you that left you out of "gaining" anything financial or material is not something she was really capable of explaining or understanding herself. At that point, she was at the end of her life, a life where she never got to shine or have what you have. It was not so much that she hated you though, it was that she hated how unfair life was to her and yet she saw another little girl get what she never got. That final act of hers was "anger and resentment" over "her" life and she was showing how consumed she was by that anger. And there was no real way you could have really understood that either. Your father was embarrassed by her anger and how she included your brother into her resentful mindset. She resented that her life ended up sacrificing for others in different ways and no one was really there to "rescue" her either.

There was nothing you could have done to change that either, a child doesn't have the capacity to understand the depths of that "skewed and disturbed mindset" either. You never did anything wrong, it is important that you understand that too. And unfortunately, your brother is not going to be capable of understanding all that either, because he is too imprinted with "skewed thinking". He is going to honor your mother's anger and resentfulness because that is really all he knows how to do.

You did walk away with "the best" because in that very unhealthy scenario that neither you or your father could change, you got to be nurtured and supported by the healthiest person in that family, "your father". Be "thankful" that you were not in your brothers shoes clinging to a mother who was deeply disturbed and mentored him to carry her very unhealthy imprinting.

When you talk about how you prefer being with other people who are engaging life, who are healthier in mindsets and do appreciate you? That is a good thing, that is what your father nurtured in you and imprinted in you.

In your grieving, try to find your way to grieving for your mother even though she was just so awful towards you. It was very wrong for her to do that to you. Forgiveness, is never about forgiving the "wrong acts" either, it is finally learning to understand the "why" if possible and finding your way to rise above it because you can walk away realizing nothing was your fault, you really did not deserve to experience that scenario either, but you really are walking away with the best and healthiest mindset that your father so wanted for you. Somehow you have to find your way to understanding the "whys" behind your brother too, that he is not going to see the "bigger picture" either. Because you are so much healthier minded, that is a challenge because you would like to somehow fix that, but IMHO, I don't really think that can be fixed.

I have some of those challenges too, so I know how difficult it is. I have had to see some things that deeply affected me that I just didn't realize either. I was always a good natured person, always cared about others and genuinely wanted to help them whenever I saw a person struggling too. Unfortunately, I had to deal with some very challenged people in my life, people that were disturbed in ways I didn't always understand, however, was deeply affected by them. I do have some deep anger in me, not so much out of hatred and resentment like your mother had, but just because there were so many times where it was just so incredibly hard on me. I really loved my daughter and I really had very strong desires to nurture her in healthy ways. Unfortunately, that was constantly challenged by my husband's alcoholism and his deep issues that led him down that road and also led to him challenging me constantly. There were times when my daughter saw me emotional, even when I tried so hard not to be that way in front of her too. She doesn't understand how challenged I am with PTSD either, she does know I love her deeply though, but she is confused. At times I am glad that she is not seeing me everyday as I genuinely struggle with PTSD, because I have bad days and she isn't going to understand that. She is not in a place right now where she can sit with my therapist either, because she has her own challenges to deal with. Unfortunately, she was with a guy a lot like her father for too many years, she thought she could fix him like her mother fixed her father. Because a lot of her challenges happened during college away from my view, I didn't see the depth of what she was involved in. Her situation finally got so bad that she had to leave this young man too. What saddens me is how she now knows some of "my" pain. I had tried to save her from that too. Ugh, unfortunately, she imprinted how strong her mom was, how her mom fixed her father who was a nice man, but had bad problems. Her dad and her are very close and her dad does support her "a lot" and he really does love her. What she did not realize is how I didn't really "fix" her father, all I did was put my foot down and he began on a path to learn how to "fix" himself. All I did was my best to support that, but it was definitely hard on me. And it certain was never anything I wanted her to do either, because it doesn't always work out well, as she found out the hard way. Her boyfriend of so many years was a lot worse than my husband, he also has compulsive ADHD, but even worse than my husband and he is not willing to walk away from the alcohol that is his coping method that he uses to help him find a way to shut down and relax as his brain that is constantly in motion, worse than my husband as her boyfriend can't even sit still and just watch a movie.

I did not see this because so much of it took place out of my vantage point too. It has only been about 6 months that I have learned about compulsive ADHD and the symptoms that a sufferer has that they can't help without the right professional help. I wish I had the right help with learning about that years ago, because I really did struggle with my husband's different mannerisms that were a result of his compulsive ADHD.

Well, I really have had a lifetime of being challenged by others who had challenges that really affected me in so many ways where I really did struggle. It has been quite the challenge for me to sort through too. So I understand how you and many others can be challenged through no fault of your own.

I understand where you are and how you are stunned and confused and hurt too. I cannot say enough, that even though all of this is so very hard to process intellectually and emotionally, just know that you did get the healthiest part of that mess you grew up in that had challenged you. Understand what you cannot fix, and embrace the good in your life knowing that you do deserve it.

(((Hugs)))
OE