I am certainly not going to hate you......we are just debating. I totally respect your experience.

I agree with you to a very large extent. Playing the victim role will get you no where. Blaming this or that and absolving yourself of responsibility will only keep you mired in the muck. It is true there is a culture of victimization. People may come into AA with that attitude but that is not really what it is about. There is a big sign on the wall that says "I am responsible"

I agree with you that it does matter how the donkey got in the ditch. I am one that will analyze that to death. There are reasons though. Our parents and families have huge influences on us as we develop. Genetics and biology do play a role. It is proven that victims of abuse experience changes in their brain. A baby separated from its mother at birth forever and goes into an uncaring foster home has huge changes in their brain. It is true for the boy from russia my sister adopted. Attachment syndrome.

I don't blame my parents. they did the best they could with what tools they had. Can't we agree there are definite reasons for things being the way they are without playing the blame game.

That is just how I chose to deal with it. I am not to blame for or at fault for my addictions and depression, there are a lot of complex reasons that explain them, but I am totally responsible for my actions past and present and for my treatment and recovery.

I learned when doing my fourth step that self shame played a huge role in my addiction. the more ashamed of myself I was the more I used. Shame was very destructive to me. So I chose to take blame and fault totally out of the equation both on myself and everything else. I chose to rationally look at the reasons I was the way I was and not judge them and to learn how to forgive others and myself. Forgiveness of myself and others played a huge role in my 4th and 5th steps and in my recovery.

That is just how i viewed it and what worked for me. I can totally understand how you may view it a little differently and don't want to get caught up in the victim role. Whatever works for you.

I think we would both agree that we should share with others how playing that victim role and blame game got us no where.

When I joined AA in 95 treatment centers were fairly new. The old timers in AA hated us newcomers fresh out of treatment coming in and blaming our parents and talking about dysfunctional families and all our new fangled theories. Thats when an old timer told me..."It don't matter how the donkey got in the ditch, what matters is how are you gonna get him out." I hated that. To me it really mattered. I was just starting and had to work through all that stuff.