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Originally Posted by HazelGirl
For those who have a "secure" attachment to your SO/partner, how did you get that? Was it just slowly formed over time? Did you have to deal with being either preoccupied or dismissive for a while before you developed the secure attachment? Did the commitment in the relationship help (marriage or exclusive long-term commitment)? For those who also had an insecure (fearful, preoccupied, or dismissive) attachment to your best friend, what's the difference between your SO/partner and your best friend? Why are you securely attached to one and insecurely attached to the other?
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Hi Hazel,
I'm pretty sure that I have an attachment disorder, but a very secure bond with my SO. I think what makes the bond work so well is that we try really hard to communicate about everything with each other, and we try to understand each other. I've also been though some of the most challenging experiences of my life with my SO, and he stayed for all of it. That made me feel really safe. At the end of the day I just trust him to be there no matter what. I think what makes it that way, are both my attempts and his attempts to communicate and resolve issues in ways that honor both our needs. In this relationship I think a secure attachment is all about learning to work as a team, and appreciating your partners attempts to communicate and understand.
We also did a few months of free couple therapy when we were in school, to help us work together on some of the major emotional challenges we were each facing at the time. I think doing that really helped us. You don't have to wait to go to couples therapy until your relationship is coming apart at the seams, you can go just to learn to support one or both of you when a challenging issue comes up.