Great. My first post disappeared. Perfect.

Well I told him everything. I sat down and told him how I was mad because I he didn't suggest two sessions per week. I told him I really want to see him twice per week, but I'm not sure if it's because I really need to, or because I just want to be in the same room with him because of my attachment. He told me that it was okay to be mad at him for this, and that maybe he was in the wrong for not seeing this, and making the suggestion. He said that although it was okay to get mad outside the session, it's also alright for me to get mad in the session. He said that although I'm getting more comfortable, he can tell that I don't feel completely safe yet, seeing as though it was so difficult for me just to ask for more sessions. He's right. The best part was this, though: He said that of course we can have more than one session per week. And we can work on figuring out the reasons as to why I want to come more than once. He said that although our schedules might not always allow us more than once per week, especially at the present time, we can work on coordinating this in the future.

The worst part: In light of the post: "How often does your therapist cancel?" Well, he finally did. He said he won't be there next Tuesday or Friday, which are the only nights I can come. However, I forgot that I took off from work on Wed. and Thurs. this week. I never asked him if he had any open slots on these days. Now I'm not supposed to see him til the 30th and I don't feel like I'm going to make it.

I feel like I'm going through one of my hypomanic episodes. I just checked my bank account and it decreased $600 in 3 days. I know I payed a few bills, but not $600 worth. I'm not sure what happened. I know I have been impulse spending, but I had no idea how much I've been spending. My husband and I are closing on our new house this Wed. I'm supposed to be saving, not spending. I feel agitated, irritable, and restless. Pressured speech, talking loud, staying up late on work nights... My husband keeps having to say, "Shhhhh.. I'm right next to you." I thought I was supposed to feed good, excited about the new house... but I just don't feel well. Where did my money go? I had to take Klonopin today just to rid myself of the horrible agitated, restless feelings.

I don't know what to do. Do I call T tomorrow because I'm feeling awful and then ask him if he has any openings on Wed. or Thurs? I hate calling, and I feel like a total idiot because he said he wouldn't be here for on Tue. or Fri... I feel like I missed my chance-- I should have asked then. I don't even feel like I can make it to the 30th without seeing him, I hate hate hate hate needing him so much. But I'm not feeling well and when I feel this type of irritability I do stupid things (i.e., SI) to ease the agitation.

See, this is what I've been talking about... It felt good to be so open with him, but now it feels so bad. The more I open up to him, the more intense the relationship becomes, the more emotionally invested I get, and the worse it feels when I need him so bad. And I hate, hate, hate, hate, needing him so bad.