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alexandra_k said:
i think the idea is that at some points i looked to my father for protection or help or soothing...

and what i saw there was some mixture of horror and disgust and confusion and avoidance (a kind of dissociation maybe).

and seeing that look on his face was harder for me than being hit by my mother or her screaming at me or whatever.

thats probably why i don't / won't look.

and i guess thats why i don't want to need my t.

because part of me is my mothers vengence and rage.

and it attacks me sometimes and he can't save me from that...
(like my dad couldn't save me from my mother)

and how will he react if / when he sees that?

and what will happen if / when it turns on him?

so i need to not feel involved. i need to not need him. i need to not care so much about him. i can cope with her alone (it is hard but i managed for 7 years and i've managed since then). but if he is there and i start to need him / want him to help me...

then that would be bad.

real bad.

thats why it was better when he left. 'cause i didn't have to see that look on his face anymore. maybe i confused his feelings for her for his feelings for me. but it was an emotional response to the whole interaction, i guess. a response to the both of us. he didn't want me to need him. and if my mother saw that i was looking to him it would only make her rage even worse.

when he left i managed to get through by believing that he was planning on taking me away from her at some point. he just needed to learn to cook and set up a place and stuff. he would take me away from her at some point. i realised when i was 14 that that wasn't going to happen. thats when i ran away and social welfare became involved and they put me in a home.

it wasn't her hitting / hating me that was the worst. it was his avoidance / rejection / dissociation from the situation (from me). appreciating the full force of that...

i just want to die. i get strong urges to cut and stab myself. to jump off things. to hit myself in the head. to run into walls. to take od's.

and i go a bit nuts...

psychotic episodes. missing time... i have so many injuries and scars from this...

so the answer (thus far) has been to avoid attachment. if you don't feel attached then you won't freak out at perceived rejection / abandonment.

because it is one hell of a risk.

and maybe... just maybe... i'm not well enough for therapy after all.

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To avoid attachment... because it's a risk... exactly, Alex. That's what I've been saying all along.

But I f*ed up, and ended up getting attached to several things. And they aren't all humans. They are:

My husband
My T
My birds
My schooling/career

And now instead of feeling good because I have things to love, I have created more anxiety, and more freaking out at the perceived abandonment/rejection.

More frantic attempts to avoid this perceived abandonment, more horrific visualizations and ruminations of what can happen to the things I love, more things to lose.

Trying to figure out how I can screw up the relationships and commitments on my own terms before they can get rid of me first.

Others might perceive these commitments and relationships as good. I tend to perceive them as "I've made my bed, now I have to lie in it."

I love my husband so much. But boy, do I know how to f*** up a relationship.