Hi Open Eyes

My mother was sexually abused when she was about 14 or 15 by a friend of her father who was also a minister, I believe. (my grandfather was a Methodist minister). It was very odd how she told me. On a rare occasion of her visiting me and my husband she just came out with that bombshell over dinner in a restaurant. We didn't know what to say as it seemed such an odd time to be bringing this up and rather inappropriate. This was about 7 years ago. She had never mentioned it before that nor talked about it after. Very very odd. I don't have any details beyond those bare facts. I'm not sure how her mother reacted but my mother did mention later that she was abandoned by her parents when she was in her teens and she had to go to live with her cousins. I suspect that it had something to do with this incident although she said that this was because she had joined another church that my father wasn't a minister at - she implied this was a huge act of defiance in those days. On one occasion when I met her father we had travelled a long way to visit him and my grandmother. They were in their late 70s then. When we arrived at their house my grandfather turned on my mum and told her she was "a wicked daughter" and tried to send us all home. As that was going to be too long a drive we ended up staying. My grandfather then died of a sudden heart attack later that same visit.

I get a real sense that you wrongly blame yourself for how you have handled the challenges you have faced with your husband and daughter. I think these are very great challenges that anyone would struggle with. It is not your fault and I don't think you should be holding onto any blame or guilt.

I think in general there is a lot of history repeating itself in terms of abuse and other family issues. That is just a fact of life. We are having to deal with the cards dealt to us and it can be a struggle at times. We can only do what we can do and I know you are a good person who cares about others and that is really the most we can all do.