Frank, I have gotten things back into my life that illness robbed me off. I can enjoy things now that I just found a hassle, like you say music concerts and a serene place. My country cottage is a life savior and I do things there that were not possible when I was sick.

I don't want to lose that. It is good to have and one cornerstone of my existence.

But another IS being creative, and I will not be truly content until I do that one more. I don't understand why I can't JUST START doing that. I don't know what is wrong with me in that sense.

It's just very, very important to me.

And the years go by. I blink. Another year goes by.

And no, I don't care for wealth, I never had it, don't want it. I eat my oatmeal, drink my tea, listen to the spring birds. It is a good existence, just being, just appreciating. I love every earthworm I find when I plant my seeds, all our crazy lizards under the steps, I love the blue sky, the sun and the stars at night.

But it is not enough and will never be enough.