I find it takes me forever to get over someone. It feels like I am fighting with my rationale mind and my heart. I accept that the relationship is over, but it doesn't mean I don't obsess about it. With BPD the one criteria is the "frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment". I don't know that I make "frantic efforts" I just don't get over the hurt. I try to rationalize it, I try to forgive, but deep down I am really friggin' angry and that is definitely not indifference. It is hate...red hot hate.

My first boyfriend broke up with me almost 15 years ago (OMG I can't believe it's been that long!!). I am pretty sure he broke up with me for someone else, but he didn't say he did. He broke my heart and moved on quickly (or so I thought, it was a few months, but my heart was still broken at the time so I couldn't understand how he could move on). He ended up marrying the girl (Again I think he left me for her but didn't tell me). I still hope they get divorced. I still hate him in my heart, even though I have moved on, even though I know he wasn't right for me, and even though he was never a jerk as a boyfriend. I hate him for breaking my heart. I hate him for all the times I was alone and he was with her. I hate that about myself. I have carried the hate around so long for him that I don't know if I know how to get rid of it. It is something that has bothered me for so long. When I found out I had BPD it started to make sense. Now I am want to learn how to get over it.