Yes, you are right dblh, you are right about how abuse can repeat itself in families. It sounds like you are getting to a better place in understanding this too. The more you describe your mother, the more I can see her "skewed" thinking and I am sorry that you had to deal with that growing up. We have no control over who our parents are and what kind of deep messages they have in their minds that can be skewed and how we as children have no way to even begin to understand.

That was strange how your mother just came out and told you about what had happened to her so randomly. No one but a trained specialist would know how to respond to that or understand her need to present that information about herself that way. It really is more and more obvious that your mother needed therapy for her challenges and went without it so her mind just continued to get skewed and angry as time went on. I feel that your mother was just constantly abandoned, never really found her way past that challenge either, that can definitely happen, way too often then it should too.

IMHO, I feel that people who are very religious can become way too ridged and skewed. We have actually seen that throughout human history and with many different religions. There was definitely a religious influence in my home growing up too, however, my father always hated the politics of the church and we just stopped going. I grew up not really feeling a part of any specific religion other than just establishing my own relationship with god. It was not until years later when I heard about what was left out of the Bible that Jesus taught about how each of us can have a special relationship with god, and how important it is to look within ourselves because within ourselves is what god wanted us to learn and develop and appreciate. I am actually "glad" I was not actually a part of any labeled religion or church now, because I don't have the kind of skewed thinking that what I feel was not what Jesus ever intended, but instead was just taken over and skewed to just keep order and control over people.

Your mother deciding to join a different church should have been her choice, and not grounds for a betrayal of some kind. Unfortunately, that kind of scenario did happen in families not so long ago, can even happen now in some areas or cultures. Unfortunately, your mother's mind was very skewed in what she considered "betrayal". That was very clear by her final need to do what she did to you. I can't blame you for deeply struggling with that and how complicated it has been for you to grieve either.

Honestly, from what you have shared with me about yourself, to me represents an individual who is following the kind of "faith" that was meant to be followed. You have had talents and depth to you that you did pursue and you have expressed the depth of your emotions in such a beautiful and meaningful way in what you have done in your music that also is moving to others too. That is really what "real faith" is all about, it is reaching into self and developing whatever is there be it in music, creating a painting or drawing, or writing poetry, a novel, or as my cousin spent his life doing, learning how to restore faces on people who were damaged by fires or disease and he even built an esophagus in a person who did not have one, that was ground breaking and gave someone a chance at life.

When I raised my daughter, my constant message was that all I wanted from her was for her to pursue whatever made her happy. I never imposed on her the idea that she needed to do something for "me" or that she needed to have "my tastes" in things either. Well, my daughter loves riding, training, and showing horses and she is constantly wanting to learn how to do it right and also respect the horse. Sometimes she grovels with whether she should be doing something else, and I don't ever encourage her to feel she is doing something wrong. My daughter is a huge animal lover too. She just adopted two more dogs that the owner asked her to take because they were getting a divorce. LOL, now my daughter has three Labs, a yellow, a chocolate, and a black lab. Well, she was not expecting that to happen but she just really loves having animals around her, so IMHO, then do it. She is amazing with animals and they definitely show they are happy and loved, her horses are that way too. It's funny because people have made comments about how loving her horses always were, not like theirs, but that was because of how she didn't just "use" the horses, she always engaged them too. Well, that is what you do with your violin and your piano you have learned how to pick up that violin and bring out all of yourself in it. I think that is amazing. In my heart of hearts, that is what I do believe is what "god" really wants of us. That is what "true faith" really is all about that so many have missed out on, because of the way different religions were organized.

Whenever you perform and share your gift, a gift you have invested in despite the challenges you have faced, that is what "celebrating real faith" is really all about. When others can sit and listen to you and be moved, that is what is supposed to happen the real meaning of "letting god into one's life" is all about. And I think that is what you need to finally understand to the depth of you and understand what you are mourning is how your mother never understood that and that was unfortunately instilled in her because of how she didn't have the kind of parents that themselves really saw that.

You were lucky in that your "father", in his own way saw that and he did give you permission. So, even though there was wrong around you, there was also enough right so you could be what you were meant to be. I don't mean to be all about religion in my post here, but I know that something like this can lead to a personal spiritual questioning in people. Well, IMHO, it doesn't have to be that way, it doesn't have to be so ridged, it can actually be much simpler and personally rewarding then people realize. There doesn't have to be parting of waters or all the different things that got added in to messages that were meant to help someone embrace life and their god given gifts. IMHO, you don't have to go to church to celebrate faith either, you have been already doing that every time you play your violin and share the beauty that
creates with others.

((Hugs)))
OE