..........."and how will he react if / when he sees that?

and what will happen if / when it turns on him?".............

Very fair questions, you need to hear the answers. Can you (will you) ask t what will happen if.........
I did that in order for me to try to trust my t. Her answers, although required me to try to trust her, were surprising. Give him a shot at answering you here.

....................."it wasn't her hitting / hating me that was the worst. it was his avoidance / rejection / dissociation from the situation (from me). appreciating the full force of that..."

((((alex)))) I'm so sorry.....this has affected you so much and I am so sorry for that.

..................."so the answer (thus far) has been to avoid attachment. if you don't feel attached then you won't freak out at perceived rejection / abandonment.

because it is one hell of a risk.

and maybe... just maybe... i'm not well enough for therapy after all. ".........................................

Yes, you've done a great job at avoiding attachments. But you've also said you wish for a relationship and that you can be lonely. So, i guess the questions is, can you muster the strength to start risking? Even a little one with t? Let yourself attach a bit? It is ok. That is what he's there for, To teach you about healthy attachments and see you through when/if it gets unhealthy or frightening. But, this would require you to allow a bit of an attachment. To put yourself out there just a wee bit. Tell him you're afraid to get stung (i bet he knows this).

You are "well enough" for therapy alex. You are so intelligent and articulate and dynamic, i can tell this without even meeting you in person! Give yourself more credit. You are worth the risk lovely one. You are worth the risk....

((((((alex)))))))