So I am continuing to dream about losing my best friend (basically the one person I thought wouldn't leave me) and every time I think about it I just think how alone I am. my dad is bugging me about getting a second job so I can pay him rent. I can barely handle one job I get too stressed. The thought of college and rent and all makes me so anxious I think about suicide as an alternative to a future that I see going no where. I don't think I'd make it through college. The more I think about it, the more I think I have no future at all. That I'll end up homeless or always dependent on someone's charity. I don't think I can contribute to anything and I hate being alone. I keep questioning why I'm alive. I keep getting mad and wanting to cut myself or worse. When I try to sleep I daydream about self harm. When I watch TV I'm mostly thinking about self harm. somehow everything seems to remind me of it. I have no one to talk to and I need a therapist so bad. my parents wont get me one. I probably need to get back on meds because more and more I am depressed, even when I have no reason at all. I think the only reason I'm alive is I'm uncertain what happens after death, and scared I'll fail. Also the last time I tried to kill myself is still so vivid it terrifies me. That resulted in two months of torturous "treatment" half of which I spent in a completely empty room wearing nothing but a paper gown sleeping on the floor and not allowed to talk to anyone. I cant go through that I cant face my future I don't know what to do I don't even know. I don't know.