Don't give up on yourself. I have felt the same way as you. Most people don't understand mental illness. They think you can just "pep talk" yourself out of it. People act like I choose to be depressed. If that were the case it would be great, I could heal myself. I have had the suicidal thoughts and brush them away thinking I can't do this to my children and who would care for my dog. See if you can find a pdoc and/or a therapist for help. Post here and talk to us. We care.