Wepow , this sounds so painful. Being self aware is painful and when we learn something about ourselves or others we can't unlearn it.

I am wondering if this is some kind if warped transference towards your t! You are acting from a place in the past where people pushed you away when you needed them most and now these feelings are being misplaced to your t? I could be wrong here but maybe your perception is he is pushing you away when in fact you are pushing him away first...
I do this all the time

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