So this last session didn't go very well. A lot of it was spent in silence, and the parts where we did talk, he was just reiterating the same things he has said in past sessions.

I'll admit I was acting pretty passive-aggressive the majority of the session. He asked me if I wanted good things for my life, like a healthy romantic relationship, or friends, and I basically said, "I don't know. Maybe I don't." In his defense though, he did say that I deserve it, and that he wants to see me happy.

He mentioned how a client of his recently came to a "major breakthrough," and made his day. I was like, "Oh GOOD for her. How awesome."

He asked if somebody said something to me to make me upset that day, and I said no, that I've just been more and more depressed these past couple of weeks, and that I will just have to learn to accept that life sucks. It's safe to say we didn't get anywhere in this session. I could tell he was becoming frustrated with me, although he was trying not to show it.

After the session I sent him a text asking for his e-mail address. I said that I've been doing a bunch of writing lately and I would like someone to share it with. This way he could read my stuff at his own convenience, and I can send him my thoughts with a little more length/meat, instead of blowing up his phone with a desperate one sentence text message.

Needless to say, he hasn't texted back. I realize he went on vacation I guess today, and that's why he had to see me yesterday instead of our usual Friday session. Whatever, though.

He can say I'm pulling away all he wants, but he's still rejecting me. Yet again. I'm sick of it. In a way I'm glad he hasn't responded because now I just feel done. There's nothing to talk about anymore. Maybe he wasn't as good of a guy as I thought he was. Maybe I just let my fantasies catch up with me. Maybe I've just been chasing after a dream that was never even real to begin with. I realize I yearn for the attention of an older adult male more than anything else. But I'm putting this all on him, and it's not right.

So, score settled. He can't give me what I want, and I can't give him what he wants, which is a client who "wants" to change. I'm just done. Screw him.

Okay, rant over.