I know I'm doing much better than I used to and I don't need weekly sessions anymore, at least for now. But I can't help being scared about not having them... We're May 1st, at work the season is about to start, two months of crazy hours, barely time to rest, no time for my horses, and of course my flash backs have to flare up now... so the little time I have to rest I won't be able to use.

I've never told you this, but the last two years after a couple weeks into the season all I want was someone to crash into my car so I would be injured enough to not have to work until the craziness is over. I just can't cope with this much stress. I try to, I really do, but it really breaks me down. I'm trying to be positive, to believe that I'm in a much better place and will handle it this year... but truth is I probably won't. At work no one does, so when you add bpd to the situation it's impossible not break down. I don't know how I'm gonna make it through these two months. My goal was to find another job in time not to have to go through this again, but I've failed...as usual....