((Skywhite)), the headaches and the queasy stomach as well as the muscle pain are most likely coming from the anxiety/cortisol build up taking place. I had that too when flashbacks were beginning to come forward. These symptoms are not necessarily coming from childhood abuse or your past. I think with the flashbacks you got scared and feed into the anxiety or fight/flight response. When flashbacks and triggers happen they are very unsettling and it takes time to calm down after they happen. You can always come here and type things out if you need to, I found that talking it out after I experienced them with someone "knowing and understanding" helped me a lot.

My T told me this past session actually, that he has had patients have flashbacks right in front of him. He knows to be patient and wait and to help the patient calm down and be in the now and talk if they need to. Just remember they only last for a little bit and they always just slowly go away. What I learned about PTSD is that sometimes I just needed to let go and allow my conscious mind to figure it out "after".

We are used to having things happen, process them as they happen and be able to have some control. With PTSD, there are times when the events and responses come from the subconscious mind first and the person is confused by that as it's different. I went for a while where if I got triggered, I would respond yet backwards, not where I would decide to be angry and respond, but the reverse where the anger and response came first, just came out and the only thing I could do is think about it "consciously" afterwards.

The "key" is learning to be patient when this happens, it isn't supposed to or meant to be punishment, always remember that, it is just things that you pushed aside because it was not something you had the ability to know what to do with at the time. A four year old can be frightened or confused or feel threatened somehow, but not know what to do about it, so their brain just pushes it in the background, we are designed that way so we can keep thriving. Now that you are older, you can process these old challenges and they tell a story that you can finally connect to understanding yourself better too.

By the way, early on when I joined PC I met someone who had BPD and I didn't quite understand it. I asked my T about it and my T told me that he doesn't like that diagnosis and often people who have it were traumatized or badly neglected when they were children. He told me that he has treated many patients with it and once they go through their past and sort everything out, and how it affected them, they do much better.

I think it would be really good for you to have a journal. I did that differently, I did that in my mind, but I also learned a lot when I interacted with others at PC. I was really challenged for a while, and I used to review everything I said or how I responded in PC every day. Sometimes someone would say some thing and I would read it wrong, and get triggered and react. I would get a response that was not always understanding, but I would review everything and reread what I reacted to and could see how I misunderstood it or did not see it the way it really was. Slowly, I began to see the trigger, what it connected to in my past or a trauma, and I would get more of something I did not realize was there too, part of a memory piece. Ugh, it was so hard to explain to people too.

My point is that to just pay attention to yourself because sometimes a "trigger" or an angry response you give or a bad reaction is also a piece of the puzzle that may not be in the flashback. That is because of how our brains store our experiences in different places in the brain. After a while you will begin to see how it is connected so be patient, you are not really losing your mind. Make sure you eat right and get rest and be very "patient" with yourself. Just because you have a PTSD symptom, doesn't mean you should just feed into it. Take time outs, learn how to self sooth, and find mundane things to do that will actually send a message to your brain that there is no "real" emergency so there is no need to keep producing cortisol or adrenaline, the brain will stop doing that and whatever is there will get released in the body, and viola, your brain will feel clear again.

Some people use coloring books, because that is mundane and nothing to show harm or alarm and the brain will stop revving up and you will begin to feel better. Some people swear by meditation because that just also cancels out the need for fight/flight. I might get the chills, and that is also very common, so I just go up and sit in my bed and blow the hair dryer on my legs and arms and warm my body and the sound of the hairdryer also is soothing and it relaxes me. I do that before bed too so I can get under the covers more relaxed. I also do that if I wake up in a flashback all upset, I find it relaxes me again and I can go back to sleep. If I am having a hard day or period where I keep feeling short tempered and frustrated, I will take a time out, go to my bedroom might do the hairdryer and then get comfy and just let my mind relax, I may still have thoughts going on but I just slow down and after anywhere from 20 minutes to 45 minutes my mind clears and I can get back up and finish my day again.

It is important to establish a place where you can go when you are struggling and your husband knows you are doing a time out and not to disturb you. That is what is called "establishing a safe place". What I have described above are "my self soothing methods". You can try some of mine or develop your own, just do not self harm, that is not allowed in self soothing IMHO. Finding what works for you, learning to allow yourself to do them when needed, will really make a difference in helping as you go along the path of therapy and addressing your past so you can resolve whatever you need to resolve in your mind.

Hope that helps too SkyWhite

((Hugs)))
OE