Today I finally started talking.

Sorry this is long......I just needed it out and to see if anyone else can relate.

I chose something that is really very minor, and I felt soo guilty for being so incredibly overwhelmed just trying to talk about it. I feel like I have no right to have felt so hurt by this, so affected by it even today. The reality is that there is soo much that I have NEVER talked about, to anyone.

I hope this doesn't trigger anyone else, but just in case........ please be warned......(although I doubt it because it's really is not a major thing I would say for most)

I spoke about my ex husband, how he developed cancer shortly after we got together and watching him fight it for many years. The most difficult moment of it all, that I have not allowed myself to look at(really I have not allowed myself any feelings about any of it).....was the day I went back to hospital after dashing home to cook for him which I did every day as I slept at the hospital this time while he was in an isolation room after a transplant. I arrived back, and he was in a very bad way. The staff had been busy with another patient who was close to death and had missed his obs, and as it turned out......well......he almost died that night and I watched all of this.......and..........it was horrific.

I know this is not a big deal, many many people have to see this sort of thing and are not as affected by it for so long. I just think, because I never had any support then, and I never allowed myself to be anything but positive at that time to ensure my husband could be however he needed to be, to ensure that he felt as supported as possible.......I just had to "suck it up" and be strong. I never have allowed myself to feel any hurt ever in my life, I always switch off and carry on.

I asked my T today, what does it even look like to grieve. When I was talking about this I became so overwhelmed with emotion, pain, and I said I don't want to be feeling this. My T was quietly telling me to allow the feelings, to try to sit with them, then as he said and try not to shut down........I just drifted away. It was too much, as it happened I realised it was happening but I could not stop it...........it kind of feels like a tv screen slowly powering down, as all of the emotion is shut out, all of the feelings in my body disappear and I just end up staring out the window. I could hear myself describing the events but I felt nothing.

Since my appointment I have felt constantly tearful, cooking dinner tonight I found I was crying but had to stop as my boy was in the other room. I had been having many memories and overwhelming feelings and nightmares for about 3 weeks until about a week ago..... when I realised it was the anniversary of the end of my marriage. This is why I chose to talk about it to my T. So now all of these memories are now right back in front of me, al of the emotions are washing over me. I am exhausted, physically. My head aches, and yes........

I know I am going on and on. I apologise, I just feel very alone right now with no one that I can turn to for comfort or support. SO I came here.

I am also worried, because this is a small small small beginning on the list of huge traumas that I need to talk about......and it affects me like this. Oh, this is hard. It scares me. But it is a start.

Thanks for reading if you made it all the way through, not sure what I need here, so thanks for reading.