Thank you everyone for the thoughtful replies. This is truly a special community of people.

I'm not ready to talk to T about transference. I don't have the courage yet, and I'm not sure if I ever will. The conversation seems too huge.

I met with T since I last posted. I've been an emotional mess about other issues going on in my personal life, and as usual T was supportive and I felt held. I know I need T right now. I'm in an incredible amount of pain but the therapy process seems both helpful and hurtful I miss the days I dealt with my problems alone, and didn't have the longing to be taken care of. But for now, I'm just going to continue to hold on and weather the storm

Looking forward to getting to the stable place where I can leave T. I don't know when that will be.

Thanks again all.