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May 02, 2014, 06:13 AM
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Member Since: Mar 2014
Location: West Chester
Posts: 29
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Clementine K
Hi All,
Just looking for some advice and support this morning 
Lately I feel like the therapeutic relationship with my T has become more hurtful than helpful, and I’m discouraged about my lack of real progress after nearly a year. I’m thinking about leaving - both T and therapy as a whole. In addition to the depression and anxiety that brought me into therapy in the first place, one of my other issues is that I have a hole the size of Texas in my soul related to father issues. I know I am using T to help fill the hole. Except he’s not my father, and the fact that this relationship is impermanent and one-sided becomes more and more obvious and overwhelming by the day. I’ve never, ever talked to T about any kind of transference, and I just can't even though I know it's helped a lot of other people. I don’t even know if it’s transference, because T is really open and sharing and I feel like I like him for him. I simply enjoy being in his presence, and love the care and attention he gives me. It seems like the actual things I’m trying to work on are taking a back-seat to absorbing as much warmth as I can while I’m there. It feels like a drug  The sad part is that I have a very loving husband, but what I’m getting from T is something I can’t get from the great relationships in my life – selfless attention, care and support. The support I get from my husband tends to be hit or miss depending on his mood and what kind of day he had at work, but T is always consistent and present.
I have learned some coping mechanisms for dealing with anxiety which help some days more than others, and having sessions to look forward to has eased some of my depression. I’ve also been able to open up to T in a really wonderful way, whereas in the past I’ve always been really protective and closed off with people other than immediate family. However, after a session I feel great for about an hour, then get really down that I have to wait another whole week for my therapy fix. So the therapy itself seems to be keeping me going… but again, it’s impermanent which freaks me out. Real progress with anxiety and depression doesn't feel like it should revolve around the T. The between session feelings aren’t really consistent either – sometimes I feel okay and like I've gotten past the T neediness, and other times I feel a huge indescribable ache to be with T. Lately it’s been more ache, and I think about him CONSTANTLY. The rollercoaster called THERAPY has been a real nightmare.
So to summarize it looks like I’m in a crazy dependency situation, and it’s becoming worse instead of better. My anxiety and depression have improved, but now I have an obsession with my T which I didn’t have before, and it’s killing me. I feel like I need a therapist to help me deal with feelings about my therapist, but I’d probably end up using a new therapist to fill some kind of unmet need as well. Very frustrating.
What my gut is telling me is to stop all of this cold turkey. I will feel crappy for a little while, but have a chance of getting T off my mind for good. Maybe read some self-help books? All in all, I feel more damaged now than when I started because of the dependency issues. I could cry about everything.
Some guidance or words of wisdom from those that have been in this longer than I have would be a big help this morning. Telling T about my feelings for him IS NOT an option at this point. I know I’d be too embarrassed to go back, and would worry about being terminated.
Thanks
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It doesn't sound like you are happy in your current therapy relationship. I don't know what to tell you about the husband part tbh, but I think it sounds like you need to get a new T who can help you resolve this. I'm sorry;( I know it's not a good feeling.
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