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May 02, 2014, 07:05 AM
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Member Since: Mar 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 611
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"Day #9
Today I feel a little inhibited to write. Yesterday's email left me feeling quite raw and vulnerable but then it always makes me feel like that when I talk about my past.
There are things I feel I want to share, want to get out of my head, out of my stomach. But when I do, it reminds me in painful ways that I missed out on a lot of stuff as a child. That my childhood made sure I would never have a family of my own, that after giving birth to a beautiful girl when I just became a teenager - my tormentors made sure I would never have children of my own. That really is one of the most difficult things in my life. I would have loved to have a whole bunch of kids and love them and show them this world how it is supposed to be.
But then I could be so very sad about so many things that I was robbed off if I chose to be. So the better choice always was, and still is, to look at my blessings at everything that made me smile, everything and everyone that made me happy and take in as much positive energy as I can.
But that doesn't mean I am not sad or afraid. The honest truth is, I am terrified. I am so scared of what is going to happen. I am scared of being in pain, I am scared I will suffocate, I am scared I will not have enough time to say everything I want to say.
This morning I have a very difficult meeting where I will discuss my wishes for what should happen after I.. you know. People here seem to have their own ideas and sometimes their ideas and they way they deal with this situation, hurts me a lot. It's like a business deal that needs to be planned out in detail. I know, were they in my shoes, they would act differently. My therapist will be here to advocate for me and my beautiful Yearning will be at this meeting as well. That helps me to know.
It's funny, when I talk about my therapist to people, sometimes they believe I am making stuff up and that no therapist could possibly be this caring and loving and helpful as she is. Yearning and I had a few really funny moments when my phone tells me I have (another) message from my therapist. She keeps saying: "Of course, your therapist  "
I don't know why I was lucky enough to find this amazing therapist but I am sure glad I was.. Without her I truly would be lost in all that my life is at the moment.
I promise, tomorrow I will write something happy again, but for today this is what was on my heart.
With love,
Amelia"
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*** Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.***
Mahatma Ghandi
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