((Bolivar)),

I am sorry you had a big anger outburst like that, unfortunately that "can" happen with PTSD, and I know the regret that comes afterwards too. I think it is important to pay attention to the build up taking place in your life and realize as you have now that it creates a build up in "you" where you can over react this way.

You need to be working more on learning the things that do build up in you and why and break them down better before they build up in you where you develop this hair trigger reaction. With a lot of people the build up is a series of "defeats" taking place and not having enough exposure to accomplishing solutions. When someone has PTSD something traumatic happened where they could not stop it, didn't quite see it coming, or didn't know how to stop it and that adds up to the chemical dumps that took place that hurt the brain and led to PTSD. What that means is "defeat" and a sense of personal failure, or in many cases being intruded on in and unjust way which we all react to with anger.

When you have an episode like this, it is important to review it and try to identify how things lined up and how that came to be in your personal history too. It is not unusual for this to go back to a childhood where you had a need and that need was not met, even though you may have tried to ask for help or guidance or approval. This is why talk therapy helps because if you have a good therapist, that therapist can become a good mentor that can help you finally resolve some old challenges that you had no help with when you needed it. So basically, you were not seen, you went unheard, and may have been dismissed instead of helped to problem solve or, you were unfairly invalidated.

You need to slowly learn to see the build up taking place and find better ways to slow down and work through them instead of having each challenge just build up in you because somewhere in your past you learned that was all you could do for some reason.

You can always talk out these life experiences where you experienced defeat and invalidations. When you do that you can finally get that much needed validation so you can heal, and also learn better coping methods so you have healthier ways to stop the build up before you do the blow up.

Hey, I know it isn't always easy, I am very challenged with that myself.

((Hugs))
OE