Hmm... Okay so I say there aren't any candidates... And with respect to the f buddy thing there really aren't... But there are a couple of nice guys here...

One of them... Liked me. And I quite liked him too. One drunken evening at the pub we walked back to campus and fooled around a bit... And the next day he was really terrific. Came to my office to see me and asked if I wanted to have coffee... And I was a bit freaked out... And he was really nice. And said something along the lines of 'it was all a little too quick, huh'. And it was... Not because I haven't had encounters that went further faster before... But because I was trying to sort out my feelings because I wasn't sure but I thought... That I really did like him. In terms of relationship potential rather than f buddy potential. For me... Those are two quite seperable things. Basically... I don't do relationships (too intimate) but I do enjoy sex... So the f buddy thing is a way of that being manageable and all in good fun.

Anyway... I wasn't sure I wasn't sure... And so I guess I pushed him away a bit. It was a really stressful time for me too with deadlines and conferences and stuff and so really I was pushing everyone away. But he would come over for coffee and I would rave at him about what I was writing. Couldn't be in the moment with him. He was really terrific though. And I went to Sydney a while back now and hung out with him and stayed with him and his Father and his Grandma (and they were lovely)... There was potential there... But I guess I put out the '%#@&#! off' signals... And eventually I heard that he was going out with one of my good friends. I was a little hurt initially... Then got to thinking 'if he isn't prepared to wait for me then it is good to know that now' but then I realised it was about my giving signals that I wasn't interested... And I've kind of said something to him since... And the mutual take on the situation was that 'it was a little too much too soon'. But we are still good mates and there isn't any awkwardness or anything... And maybe something will eventuate one day or maybe it won't. But it did get me thinking on how frightened I really am about intimacy. How much I hate and detest and am embarrassed about my body. The fears I have that someone will laugh at me or hate me or abandon me or hurt me...

And there is this other guy here who I kind of like... And it is a bit hard because my office mate really likes him... But I know that he isn't interested in her... And she kind of has this thing with this guy in Ireland anyway... But it turns out that he is a mushie hunter. And there aren't many of us... So we are going to go out hunting... And... I do like him... And I wish I wasn't so terrified of intimacy. But I guess we are mates... And I'll try hard to be a good mate and not send out the '%#@&#! off' messages... And we will just see what happens. Just try and enjoy the friendship. And not send out those signals. Sigh. I wish life wasn't so hard...