((Jane)),

This is NOT a small thing at all, and certainly nothing to apologize having a need to talk about.

Step back for a minute and ask yourself if your son went through this and was struggling, what would you say to him? Your son is a young man who's wife is compromised this way and he is trying to stay strong for her but deep inside "he is scared" and he feels he has no right to be?

What you are apologizing for in your post is really saying a lot about how you believe that you should not have this problem and you "think" you are imposing. That is coming from deep messages you have unfairly received from others that should have been giving you permission to have your own feelings long ago. Well, that is not your fault, and I think it is time you realize that you have every right to have your "feelings".

I have some of these messages myself too. I was put into a position where I had to be the strong one too and hold back my own feelings so I could take care of everyone else. I have to admit, I am good at that, helping others, but it's really hard for me to share "my" challenges. For myself, I have a long history of getting messages from others telling me "not to feel or talk about my problems because that is being selfish", I have been invalidated in some big ways in my life.

Jane, that was a big challenge and I don't think you had any help with it either, from what you have described of your family, they were too self absorbed and did not have the skills to pay attention to the feelings and needs of others.

It is high time you talked about this, and you definitely deserve to mourn it. I know exactly how you feel and the exhaustion and the headaches and being very tired and weepy too. What this means Jane, is you have been holding all this back for too long and it is time for you to finally mourn it. I think this is also coming out because you have a T that you can trust now and you are beginning to let your guard down, and that is good.

What you are describing is very scary, a very challenging experience for someone to go through. I hope that you don't in any way blame yourself and think you didn't do something right somehow. There are situations that get thrown at us that are traumatic like what you are describing and often we can be "strong" for a while, but that doesn't mean we should stay involved with something that begins to wear us down and deplete us or overwhelm us to a point where we need to get away from it. Another person had a big need and you did your best, but hun, you have needs too, we can't go along giving to everyone else to a point where our own needs are not met too.

I have a feeling that you somehow feel you failed and you have been afraid to open up about it because there is a part of you that is afraid you may get the response that is critical of you in some way. It is not that you don't "feel" Jane, you have been feeling all along, but what you are really concerned about is "guilt". You already have that going on and have a deep battle going on, because you need someone who can really validate your side of this traumatic experience.

Jane, you did not stay with this man and you are questioning that in some very deep ways. ((Jane)), it's ok, you did not fail in any way and you need to have that validated. And you also need to be "appreciated" for what you "did do" in that whole scenario. I don't think that has happened for you, and you definitely deserve that. Often, when something like this takes place the focus can be all about the other person and not enough on the person who is also going through this kind of scenario and is also challenged and scared and suffering too. And I can see that took place with you, and you needed help yourself but you don't have that kind family that has the capacity to see anything other then their own needs and opinions.

Jane, as human beings, we have to have the ability to survive too, we can't just completely self sacrifice or feel guilty if we don't. You definitely need to hear that in a big way, and deeply comforting and validating way. This is not some little nuisance thing, it's a big deal and nothing to be ashamed about at all. I am so sorry you have been alone with this challenge too, because you definitely deserve to talk about all this and mourn it. Please, do not let any guilt in either, don't allow yourself to feed into that, because it can happen and with PTSD be a magnified challenge.

I don't know if your weeping and exhaustion is "fear" about this challenge or if you are finally just beginning to allow yourself to "mourn" it. Jane, it's ok, don't feel guilty and afraid, you were thrown into a situation that is very challenging to anyone in that kind of scenario. There is no such thing as "failing' either or anything "wrong" with anything you felt in that entire scenario. You totally deserve to talk about it and get that all validated too. Once you finally talk about it all and get validated, you are going to realize all that too, in a big way. And you will mourn that, the way you deserve to, and you are not guilty of anything either.

(((Big Caring Hugs)))
OE