Thanks for the replies and input, all helpful with different perspectives.....
sometimes i am prone to tunnel vision.

let me use an example: a caregiver who is OVERCARING to the point of their own needs wants and desires, is recognized as a "good" person....this can get to be extreme. The "fix" is the needing to be needed by the ill person. As in one up one down.
She feels "good" cuz you feel "bad"....
a twisty little dance isn't it? No matter though, thanks to you all for putting a wider vision to it.....
Jade