Quote:
Originally Posted by sakramanda
I am a twenty-year-old student and my boyfriend is a working man.
A couple of months ago I started thinking I didn't love my boyfriend anymore. It developed into a true and full on anxiety that I had to leave him.
Now, after 4 or 5 months of feeling constant fear that I don't love him anymore, I'm scared I actually don't anymore. It's so weird and it is killing me. I so desperately want to love him again. We could talk for hours and about everything. Now I'm just constantly thinking that I believe he's not as funny anymore, why do I have to start every conversation we have (I know that in my right mind, this doesn't actually bother me at all, because I'm a talker, I need a listener) My laugh seems forced but I still long to feel his skin, to make love to him, to kiss him... When it is one on one talking, I'm just constantly focussing on how I don't feel like I'm in love. How I'm not proud of him anymore, why I constantly have an anger or frustration... He is the single most amazing man and when he is talking about marriage or kids, I'm actually flooded with happiness.
I'm so confused, I don't know what I should think. I don't want to break up with him because I would lose HIM. I'm not scared of being alone, not at all! I'm not scared of finding someone new because I believe that there are many 'ones', many people that could make me happy. But i do not want to lose him... Why am I so scared, why can't I feel love anymore, why can't we talk as much anymore, why don't I feel this passion anymore. Why is everything too normal...
I don't know, he deserves a woman who adores him cause he is worth adoration. I'm killing him every time we have a conversation about this... How can I open up again, I feel so lonely in this relationship and it is all my doing because he is trying so hard to reach me. I just block him. Out of fear of not getting hurt. He is my first relationship and I want him to be my last. He has so much to give to the world and he wants to give me sooo much. I want to open up again but something is blocking me. I've built a mental wall or something, to keep me from him. I can't reach him and he can't reach me and something has to change ! (been together 1 year and 8 months (been feeling like this for 4 months)) I need to grow up!!
|
The time you've spent with him, sounds like the so-called 'honeymoon' phase that has been, up until four months ago, very successful. Now that he is talking about marriage and children, it sounds as tho your feeling a lot of pressure and anxiety because of that.
Everything you say about him, leads me to believe you ARE in love with him, and for all the right reasons (especially your comment that you're not afraid of being alone, just of losing him). My advice, for what its worth, is rather than bringing this painful subject up with him (forcing him to struggle against something he doesn't understand, anymore than you do--and possibly messing with his belief and trust in the two of you being together in the future)...why not try couples counseling?
Someone objective could give you more insight into how and what your feeling, and help both of you work it thru. If he is the man you say he is, and is someone you don't want to lose, then I strongly suggest you do that. It could be helpful....and it certainly can't hurt.
Take care
