*POSSIBLE TRIGGER*
I thought I was starting to accept what happened but as I have been accepting it self harm/suicidal thoughts have been getting ALOT worse, I've been having reoccuring bad dreams, I haven't been sleeping, I've been crying/numb/closed off all of the time, I've been almost unbearable for my partner to take care of, I was even too sad/fatigued to move, I 'wet myself' twice. I'm 17, I don't want to feel trapped like I have to be taken care of.
So I'm kinda reverting back to denying it was anything bad, its like a vicious circle. I cant accept it, I cant deal with it. I have had 2 therapist all which help on a very short term basis.
I DONT EVEN KNOW IF IT WAS ANYTHING BAD. I wake up every morning, wishing I hadn't because of it, but then I feel utterly pathetic because people have had SO much worse happen to them, and I know its not about that, but I cant help feeling guilty/selfish for feeling depressed about what happened to me, when people have it worse.
I have explained on here before what happened, but I will breifly again (incase anybody new is reading this)...
3 years ago.
I met a guy, I was 14 (depressed, suicidal, self harmer, been through a lot for a young age), he knew this. He was 17. I wad vulnerable, I quickly fell for him. He used to ask me to perform a sexual act on him a lot, I did, I never wanted to but I felt it was the only way he'd love me, I was lost and young. This became rountine, I would go to his, do that, he would drive me home. I felt like I meant nothing to him. There was something about him though, manipulative maybe? There was something that made me feel SO privileged to be anywhere near him.
Basically, this one day in his bedroom, I can remember now, the room was dark and only the TV was on. He asked me to perform oral sex on him, stupidly I intially consented (he had asked loads of times before, and joked around about it). I got on my knees (which makes me typing this feel pysically sick and cheap), he had his penis out and was holding it with one hand and his other hand was on the back of my head. I DIDNT WANT TO LET HIM DOWN, HE'D LAUGH AT ME, HE'LL LEAVE. BUT I DID NOT EVER WANT TO DO THAT. I might of said I cant or nervous laughed (not in a serious way), and I think he said a few times please... But I kept getting near and moving my head away, and he kept trying to push it down, after this happened a few times, he put his penis in my mouth for a few seconds then I pulled away, I remember how his 'pre-ejactulate' went on my cheek. It wasn't violent at all. It was more like he didn't think Id notice? I don't know?!?!?!?! Afterwards I peformed a different sexual act on him, as always, I just remember wanting to forget what had happened, I felt stupid, cheap. WORTHLESS. I just stares at the wall until he 'finished' then he drove me home.
We never spoke about it, I think I saw him afterwards. Though the whole period is very blurry.
I don't sleep, I dream about it, I find if hard to be intimate, I think I see him, I think I hear him, I'm scared when I can feel him near me... I self harm, I wish he had done worse so then I wasn't so pathetic!!
I cant help but feeling like I'm depressed and whatever else over nothing, people have had so much worse happened to them.
Plus if he wanted to after he 'put' it in and I pulled away, why didn't he continue if he is such a bad person?
I cant cope. Its like a circle, I get so far and think it isn't okay but cant deal with it and slip back into this...
Can somebody PLEASE help? Was it bad? Was it wrong? Why cant I forget? Why dont I feel safe?
Sorry, for the long and extremely pathetic post. I know people have had worse, but any advice x
PS. I know I've posted before, but I don't know if it was sexually assualt, etc and really need help