I think being shame-based since early in my life, my entire ability to perceive self esteem was disabled to a large extent. I don't think my parents instilled in me that success was something that... 1. was even possible and 2. was rewarding or was something to be proud of. My father taught me to only focus on my mistakes or failures. My mother taught me that being happy about succeeding or doing well equated to being selfish and haughty. An 'A' in school was "just what I was supposed to get". So why even try? Feeling good about myself doesn't feel good.