Thanks for the replies.

OE, I agree that I am feeling a lot of guilt. But it is not because I left my ex at all, I stayed with him for a number of years fighting the cancer, and through him becoming incredibly selfish(understandably) afterwards, through having our son and unitl he became emotionally and verbally abusive and left me when our son was not 1, because I was really struggling with post natal depression on top of all of this unresolved grief and pain.(I see this now, not then). I do not feel guilty about asking him to leave, after I had him back and tried to work on rebuilding after he deserted me when I needed him the most. That, I do not feel guilty for. Sorry to jump on that comment.......but, well there are many things attached to that statement that touch on some very deep and painful wounds for me.

What I feel guilty about, right or wrong, is that I was not there to see him deteriorating sooner. I had left and was perhaps away cooking or something for too long. I feel guilty that at that time all I wished for was for someone to ask ME how I was doing, if I was ok, if I needed anything. I feel guilty for wishing that I had support, when it was not me having to have all of those dreadful procedures that I witnessed for 2 and a half years.

I was living in England at the time, a world away from any family. His family from Europe were not supportive, in fact just the opposite. And I did not have the ability to be able to reach out to my friends. I had been living away from them for almost 2 years in another country, and when I returned to England to be with my partner, it was a short 4 months together and he was suddenly diagnosed with cancer. I find it so hard to ask for help. And later, much later after it was all over my friends told me that they thought I was soo incredibly strong and positive the entire time, they wished I had asked help because they truly did not know I needed any. As for family, they were so far away and whenever I called them, they only asked how my partner was doing. I never mattered.

I truly thank you all for telling me that I need to let it all out, I need to mourn......I agree, it is what I said to my T also......it is just so terrifying for me to feel those emotions, that I have never allowed myself to feel, not for anything. It feels suffocating and overwhelming.

My T used all of these adjectives to describe how it must have felt at that moment, and expressed that all of them were valid and that it must have been incredibly overwhelming. Then he asked me a question......... How did you keep going every day? I don't know, I just had to. That is a theme for me, I just have to keep going. I have put everything away into rooms in my head, shut and locked the door tight and never ever dealt with anything.

There are no more rooms, and the doors are beginning to open.....I know this will eventually be a good thing, just right now it feels incredibly scary. And lonely.

(yikes another long diatribe, lol, sorry.....and thanks for reading and responding)