I've been wrestling with this choice for a while. To follow my heart or to grow up and give up a dream.

I've been a stage actor since I was a teenager. Theatre is where I feel alive, theatre is where I make my friends, theatre is the only thing I have still been able to do amidst the wreckage of my bipolar disorder. It seriously kept me alive last November. I was deeply depressed, suicidal, but got out of bed every afternoon to shower and go to the theatre to do a show that night.

I went to theatre school for a year and a half in my early 20's and learned a lot but wasn't emotionally ready for the rigours of such a program. They're brutal. But I'm ready now. I applied to theatre colleges and auditioned last month. One school I think I shot myself in the foot during the interview, when they asked "why theatre?" I impulsively rambled about bipolar disorder which was DEFINITELY not the right answer. The second school was for musical theatre, my lifetime love, and they really liked me. I'm transgender though, and I've only been ME for 3 years, so they wanted me to go, get more experience both living and acting as ME and to come back next year. When a school tells you to COME BACK that's a good sign. They said they wanted me, I just wasn't ready yet.

I'm a good actor and I think my voice is decent. I've put a lot of work into it. Here's a clip I recorded like an hour ago:

https://soundcloud.com/rex1983/river...er-rex-jackson

But my other option is to put that dream down and do the grown up thing and get training for a job. I would choose Child and Youth worker, go to college, do my practical placements, and work. My psych nurse told me that the job market in that field is growing right now. But when I told my psychiatrist I was thinking of doing this instead of theatre school, she seemed concerned that I was making such a radical change of attitude. I'm not manic. I just change my mind a lot.

I don't want to put the theatre dream down. Even if I trained for four years and then started working as a Child and Youth Worker I could probably involve theatre. And I'd be able to afford classes, and I could do community theatre. Just because I go to theatre school, there's no guarantee I'd actually be a working actor. Chances of that are pretty slim, but I like to think I have the quirkiness and talent to maybe make it.

But the thought of not returning to those colleges next March and showing them how much I've grown hurts so badly. To give up my dream? Theatre is honestly the reason I get up in the morning. I'm willing to risk poverty to pursue it.

Sometimes the logical thing is the right thing to do, but sometimes the heart wins. If I relegate theatre to the backburner, to the second string, a piece of my heart will be dead.

What I'm thinking of doing is transferring into the Child and Youth Worker degree for a year, auditioning for those 2 theatre schools again next March, and then if I get in, go, and if I don't get in, at least I'll be in my second year of my second choice. I'm just worried that if I change my program twice in 2 years the student loan people would be like "whoa there dude, we won't lend you any more money".

Knowing me, I will probably change my mind several more times and go galloping into it every time. Heck maybe I'll become an architect. I play Minecraft. (I'm kidding. But not about the Minecraft.)