Due to chaos in my life right now over the past year I have relapsed.

Usually I'd only do it once every few months but it seems like with all of my screwed up life and stress it's once every few days.

And after I'm done all I can think is 'how will I explain these scars to my daughter when she's older?'

I have my methods of sometimes deterring it like flicking a elastic band to my wrist a little trick I picked up many years ago which does help a lot at times but recently I have not been able to stop that urge.

I have a hunting Swiss arm knife I use for this and nothing else. And I find myself cleaning it and all the time I'm cleaning it I pray that I'll snap out of that urge to cut but it doesn't. And after I'm done I clean the area I don't even want to look at it I dress the cuts and then press on them so I know they are there and then I find myself later on staring at them and wondering if that was enough to quench the urge and it never is and then the process repeats itself all over again till I'm satisfied.

Then in the morning I look at them and it just starts my day off badly and I resist the urge again but it gets the better of me... I am running out of places to hide where it's not noticeable but that doesn't stop me...

I don't even know what I'm doing it for which one of my many screwed up reasons is it this time.

My husband can't even look at me right now with the state my body is in and I don't blame him. He cries cause he thinks he needs to do more but he can't do anything.

I'm rambling now I'm sorry.