I'm done. I'm so sick and tired of trying to actually take care of myself for once. All I ever ****ing do anymore is just hurt people. I guess that is what I'm good at.

I just want my razor. I want to see blood. Then that will let me know that everything will be okay. It will be okay because I will be in control. I want cuts all up and down my arms so badly right now, but I can't do that because prom is next friday, and I don't need to explain why I have cuts on my arms to everyone. I would just do it on my thighs, but lets be honest--its not the same release.

I want to just go run away and forget about everything. Forget about my boyfriend that I am trying to break up with. Forget about graduation. Forget about college. Forget about being on a job hunt. Forget about my church. Forget about everything.

I'm just so done. I'm done trying to get better. I'm done trying to have a positive outlook. I'm done with trying to explain why I do things to people who are upset with me. If I want to starve myself... let me starve. If I want to cut myself... let me bleed. What I do with my body is my body and it really doesn't concern them.

Sorry for this rant, but ugh I'm so tired of everything going downhill and keeping a smile on my face, pretending that everything is going to be okay and that I am okay. Its not. I'm falling to pieces on the inside and I'm just so tired of running, and feeling like I'm living my life on display for everyone to see.