Quote:
Originally Posted by feralkittymom
I think what you're referring to here ^ is "healthy" shame; but your previous posts describe very unhealthy shame. An awareness of, but not being motivated by, shame is healthy, and is a precursor to empathic capacity (why sociopaths lack capacity for both shame and empathy.). But the sort of shame elicited by negative comparisons is not healthy shame, and people experiencing such shame often cannot extend empathy to others. Sometimes, with difficulty, they can accept empathy from others.
I think this is the fallacy behind thinking a T who shares a client's issue will understand and so empathize better for having shared the experience: if the T has truly processed the issue, it's possible. But if the T has not truly processed the issue, the attached unhealthy shame will hinder the ability to empathize.
And, no, I haven't specifically researched shame as it is not my field, but that doesn't prevent me from knowing my own experience of therapy and life.
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There is no such thing as healthy shame or unhealthy shame. Sometimes people confuse guilt and shame. Shame is a core emotion that comes from the back of your head... The most instinctual part of our brains. When we feel shame we often want to crawl into a little place. Empathy, on the other hand, involves opening up... Vulnerability. Many people describe vulnerability like jumping off a cliff. Now that I process it, vulnerability is really the opposite of shame and the practice of empathy is how you get there. When you practice empathy you are teaching yourself to feel what someone else feels which requires you to be willing to open up to the other person. To be vulnerable.
Currently we have a culture with too much shame in the form of scarcity. That is unhealthy. Much larger topic than I am willing to get into here.
Have you ever given a speech or talked to a bunch people or been in an interview and then cringed a few hours later or the next day? The speech is a very vulnerable thing to do. You are putting yourself out in front of a crowd and talking about something you know about to maybe yourself. The cringe is like a hangover. It makes me want to hide. My T calls it a vulnerability hangover. It is neither good or bad. V is about opening up. The S is about closing yourself off. A lot of times speaking to somebody about the experience washes away all that shame.
Perhaps you are aware of the pressure put on women in this country? If you have kids and you are working you are irresponsible for leaving your kid at home. If you have kids and don't work you are not fulfilling your potential. If you don't have kids you are not complete as a woman. These are shame messages. Even if you don't tell yourself these particular messages, they are so common that I would think you could relate it to some other experience in your life. The beautiful thing about empathy is we don't have to have the same exact experience to understand. So the OP's T would have no trouble understanding where the OP is coming from. That I am sure of.
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