I'm sorry you have had a similarly tough time OE.

You know, your offer to PM is kind......I just don't know how to say yes to that right now. I really do struggle with connecting with people. Most who meet me don't understand it, they say I am so friendly and confident etc.........I am friendly, but I am not confident. I am very good at playing a part, putting on a mask. But thank you for the offer, and eventhough there is some anonymity here I just can't yet.

That is soo weird and useless isn't it?

Tonight after dropping my boy at his dads, I just broke down. I think I really am grieving or something because I am having all of these thoughts about missing what we had, and being sad when I see him doing with others what we had always planned to do and in fact used to do. Is this grieving? When I dropped my boy these 2 other couples and their children arrived as I was there in the driveway, and was finally introduced as Leif's Mum. They were going for dinner, with my boy's other family.

I just slunk away, my boy not noticing because he was soo excited to see his friends, and I felt awful. I have been crying on and off since. I did not allow myself to feel any of this when we separated 5 years ago. It just seems so wrong to suddenly be experiencing this, so wrong and so hard.

Sitting here, alone, at home my pain is sitting right in front of me and I don't know where to put it. I am going to say it............I really just need a hug. The only person I get those from are my boy. It's just not the same as feeling hugged and protected and safe in the arms of a partner who loves you. I feel like that is lost to me forever now. Tonight, I do just feel so broken.