I need someone to talk to.

I'm not doing too great at the moment. I was driving home and just all of a sudden this numbing depression hits. I'm quite depressed... I feel as if I'm worthless and I'm having thoughts of suicide. I don't think I would act on those thoughts but none the less they're there and strong. I'm freaking out! I keep seeing shadow figures moving in the corner of my eye every few minutes. So I freak out, have a massive panic attack and hyperventilate. I keep hearing sounds like someone is behind me... like breathing, the sounds of someone moving around, or someone saying my name. I keep jumping out of my skin. I tried locking my door thinking that it might help calm me down, but it doesn't help... I try to play music on headphones but I still keep hearing things and seeing things in the corner of my eye. I have the strong feeling that someone is standing right behind me and so every few seconds I have to look behind me. Night walks for most part help me calm down, so I try that, but it doesn't help at all (I just got back). Every time I noticed someone even if they where across the road I'd start freaking out. I even hid behind one of those things you can buy news papers from because I noticed someone walking on the other side of the road. I feel as everyone hates me, I'm hyper paranoid right now... I feel as if my friends hate me, I feel as if my family hates me, and I feel that everyone on this site hates me... I know it's crazy because I just recently joined but I can't shake the strong paranoia... My therapist said I should try and reach out on here... So here's me trying even though it makes me panic to no end. I'm tired of being so depressed. The past few days I've been crying my eyes out at night. I've been going to bed at 6 AM every night for a long time now because I'm kind of scared of just laying there with nothing to distract me with how my minds been. I figure if I'm up so late and get dead tired it might make me fall asleep faster. This depression has been going on for awhile, but it keeps getting worse and I feel like I'm slowly slipping. I wasn't able to call my psychiatrist yesterday so now I have to wait tell Monday. I'm scared because I'm worried she's going to force me to go to the psyward when I see her next, because she's done that before... I really don't want to go back to the psyward... It just makes things worse... I even experienced my first moment of mania a few days ago and it's been years since I have. I felt VERY high, had tons of energy, and was smiling much more then what's normal of someone. It only lasted a few hours and then I crashed. I honestly can't do much anymore... I haven't showered in god knows how long, I can't study, and my passions have no drive. I spent 60 bucks on this awesome book on psychopharmacology that I've been wanting to get for a long time and I haven't had the energy or the drive to touch it... I was recently able to synthesize Serotonin in my bedroom "lab" (I'm really into chemistry and have been planning this synth for months now) and when it came down to perfecting my method I've lost all motivation and passion from how I've been feeling recently. I feel that I may never stabilize, that there's just no hope for me, and that I will be alone forever... I'm close to tears and having a hard breathing...

Anyway, here's me venting and trying to open up. Feels weird asking for help.