((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jane))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Yes, I think you are grieving Jane. But part of the grieving is about plans "you" had that you "did" try to hold onto in invest yourself in, that were not holding together. You went through quite a challenge with your ex and you did hang in there and try, but you needed support and your ex did take things out on you and was not there for you. When you dropped your son off you were grieving being in a healthier situation and what you were seeing was more about remembering that goal, not what is there now. Your ex is still the same person, he did treat you badly and your relationship with him did not fill "your" needs. A healthy relationship has to be about each partner meeting each other's needs, it can't be about one partner having to give of themselves and give even though they have needs and are put into a situation that you were put in where in spite of your efforts to be strong and attentive, you were punished unfairly. It would not have been as hard if your ex recognized everything you did do, if he was grateful, caring and recognized "you" in all the mess that took place. Yes, he was all about the "I" and everyone around him supported that, you did too for a while, until he took his anger etc, out on you, he did do that and so much so that you had to leave that relationship.

He is still the same person Jane, and he could very well have continued to take things out on you and be selfishly hurting you, which is not love and appreciation, but abuse. If you had stayed Jane, the scenario that you were looking at from the outside yesterday would have been you in it, but still stuffing your feelings behind doors to maintain some kind of picture/illusion and far from what you had really wanted. All you would have done had you stayed is prolong the stuffing because his family is still the same and you didn't have what you needed from your family and your friends, if they were true good friends would have been telling you that the reality of your situation was not healthy for you to try to keep maintaining.

It could very well be, and probably really still is "all about your ex" only he is with someone that didn't go through what you went through and get punished and have to stuff way too much. I am sure there are times where this other woman is stuffing.

Jane, if you had stayed with your ex, you would still be going through what you are going through now you know, and if you are with a person that is all about "himself", going through this PTSD is a lot harder. Take it from me, having a person who hurt you badly in your space constantly while struggling through PTSD is very, very hard. It is even harder when again, you would be suffering and the sympathy goes to your ex. And believe me, because of how people do not understand PTSD, they say and do things that only make it so much worse. I went four years with that until I finally found a good therapist. It was so bad for me that I got dangerously suicidal, and even though I tried to say how bad it was, my husband still kept a loaded handgun in the night stand next to our bed, even though I said I wanted to shoot myself. Luckily I had a therapist who saw just how bad it was and got my husband right in immediately to tell him it was serious and he needed to pay attention and stop hurting me.

For me, the one thing I poured myself into that was so healthy for me, my ponies and horses and business, when that was destroyed in front of my eyes, that was it for me. And when my family was "mean" to me when I broke, I have had never been so hurt in my life. Like you I gave and gave and stuffed and stuffed and fixed and waited and was often VERY ALONE. And it just seemed like I was supposed to be grateful that my husband finally got sober, that he finally admitted "for himself to get rid of guilt" that he had cheated on me, and I had to learn how he had the maturity level of a 12 or 13 year old and WAIT for him to grow up and learn how to recognize the buttons that he would push for me to "mother him" and not mother him. Yes, all was well as long as OE kept stuffing.

You "do" have a lot to grieve, but just make sure you don't blame yourself for somehow not staying in that picture trying to make that "dream of something good" that did not take place. You cannot bake a cake without the right ingredients.

I have times where a door opens and there are so many emotions that come out and I need to finally vent it out. And the one thing I hate, that makes it so much harder is when the person next to you says it's in the past, let it go, it's over. Or yes, "but I got better and worked at it", and his getting better and working at it was god awful hard on me. Yes, his family supported him, and did not see how hard it all was for me, it seemed like no one did, and that was more than clear to me when I finally broke too.

Not only do I have that but the one thing I spent so much time on, my haven that was destroyed hurt me so bad that when I go out there and "try", my brain deep where my conscious mind seems to not control wants me to avoid it because it just brings reminders of the trauma I experienced for so long out there. And for 7 years what I saw destroyed has been questioned, not heard, and not supported fairly because I had to deal with yet another human being (my ex lawyer) that was mentally challenged and failed me AGAIN. Being stuck with this mentally declining person for so many years in spite of my many efforts to reach out just opened up so many doors that I didn't even know where there, and I could have lived out my life without these doors blowing open too.

Well, didn't mean to get into me here. I just wanted to tell you I know, but to also make sure that as your doors open and you mourn, the times you feel guilt, it's important that you do mourn the right things, because you definitely deserve that. And Jane, when you say you are sorry when you share your pain here, understand that what you are doing is saying you should not be heard that somehow your "need" is wrong and you apologize and feel guilty about "your need to be heard and validated". What you need is to realize that is just not so, that you deserve to be heard and validated, that is the path to finally healing Jane. YOUR NEEDS "ARE" IMPORTANT and you should not be "dismissing" your needs, that is not "healthy or right".

Also, I totally understand how it can be uncomfortable or can feel wrong to express your needs here or even in a PM. I have felt exactly the same
way myself. I ended up dumping in a thread which is not like me, but only because I just had too much I could not seem to hold in somehow because of what is taking place IRL for me. I was lucky the person was
understanding because I did feel guilty about it. So I do know all about the guilt yet the need to talk somehow too. Take special care of yourself this weekend, get rest, vent here if you need to, and do lots of self care and don't feel "guilty" because you deserve to take care of "your" needs Jane.

((((Big Warm Hugs)))))
OE