I am not a parent, but I sound a lot like your son when I was his age. I am 23 now, and I still struggle with my perfectionist tendencies and test anxiety.

I was considered gifted at the age of 7. I already felt bad about it because I didn't feel like I "belonged", as I am learning disabled (dyslexia/dyspraxia/sensory processing disorder) even if this is extremely common in "gifted" people. I do need to say, though, if the school backs off, your son will feel better.

Since I was in both parts of the special education program, I can say that both groups are treated different. Gifted children are told to push for good grades, even the grades that don't interfere with a GPA/performance. Disabled kids are shamed and guilt-ed into doing well ie "Be like everyone else". School is, and I will stand by this till the day I die, an emotionally toxic environment.

Gifted programs, for example, push kids to carry a whole school district. Not just their elementary school, no. Because as you already know, that is how public schools gain funding. And teachers (ESPECIALLY with 'gifted' kids) forget they are speaking and teaching young children and will explain this to them, will remind them constantly how important these tests are, and how they need to score this, that, and this, but NOT that. It is a horrible place for a child to learn coping skills and time management as well as developing self confidence. Many people think children in a 'gifted' program are far more mature than other children. They believe they can handle the stress. But at the end of the day, they're kids. They want to be kids. And they don't really get that chance within their education.

And I have a feeling you get that vibe too, as you want your son to gain assistance and you remind him that these tests have no bearing on him as a person. That is really important and you're so wonderful for doing this with him.

((I live in NY and worked with the SE program even into college, so I am speaking from experience that I know from NY))

Now, with him getting testing aids, it will be more difficult. As your son is not certified as LD in any sense, going in without testing is going to make it near impossible to get him help. That is because no laws would be broken in denying him help. He is considered to be in SE, but he is not legally certified to obtain those learning/educational tools. He is going to need to be evaluated either inside or outside the school by an educational psychiatrist. They tend to deal with learning disabilities, developmental disabilities, and mental illness. Though before the testing they will probably tell you he will need to have the whole testing procedure done. That is to dot their I's and cross their T's. But honestly, it's better this way as everything can come full circle.

If he does show high for test anxiety or feelings of stress and anxiety in related to school, they may begin building an IEP with his educators, and with you. This can mean has rights to obtain extended testing times, quieter testing environments, and his own test giver when it calls for it. If this is the case, he will feel so much better. It helped me endlessly.

You are certainly handling this the right way. Having test anxiety doesn't make you "problemed" and the like. It means the stress related to the exam it self becomes to much. The idiot who told you that you need to teach him coping mechanisms at home is ignorant. You are doing a great job. The school needs to begin pulling the extreme amounts of stress off the shoulders off of these kids and allow them to be kids without this constant fear that they are failures. That job isn't yours.