So yesterday in T I was trying to relate my anger "Today" to my "baby rage" of "yesterday". I said to T again that by all accounts I was a quite baby. Never cried, not even for food, or so thats the tale my adoptive mother tells.

But my adoptive mother also told me once how she propped me up with a bottle. Got me thinking yesterday, what If I did cry in the begining? What if my crying was met by an angry mother that "propped" me up with a bottle?

T said "YES" quite forcibly as I said this. I said what happens to a baby that never gets their anger dealt with properly? Then I laughted and said "I guess the end up here on this couch" LOL

I said how confusing would that be? TO be angry with ones "mother"? This woman is meant to be our prime example of love and caring and compassion? I would have become afraid of my own anger?

T said you would have become afraid of your mother, and what if you mother was angry too? Then we would have been at arms lenght emotionally wiht each other. Which puts the "Prop" me up wiht a bottle in to place.

I said I remember one of my earliest dreams was that my adoptive mother was really a witch and she locked me into the spin dryer.

It then hit me, this is my "mum" isnt a mum supposed to be nice and kind? no wonder my outlook on society and life is so angry and disatisfying. Until this "first" rage is looked at and dealt with it colours all my outlook for today.

I've felt really better about my anger since yesterday. I feel better knowing that there is a real reason and not just me being a sad mean angry person LOL.

I am not looking at my anger as enermy now, I am looking at it as a very useful tool in aiding me understsand what happened growing up.

Sometimes in T I sit staring at the woodgrain on her door. Theres two big dark knot shapes that always look as if a monster is looking in. Then yesterday I looked to see if I could see the shape in another light and it appeared to look like 2 geese kissing. I told T this and she asked what that meant to me? I said that maybe I need to look at things differently? Just like I am looking at my anger now.