I am going to try and make it short.

So at my old job I became really close to one of my coworkers. She tried to help me become a better person and, although we never hung out outside of work, I still cared for her and considered her a friend.

Of course me being me, I made mistakes and made her question if I really did care or if I was trying to keep a veil over her eyes. I did alot of chqnges to myself and my life based on her advice and I actually am very thankful for all of it. Unfortunately it seems that some of those changes made her feel that I was finally revealing ny "true self" and that I was really this other person and she began to question everything I did and whether my intentions were true or if I just enjoyed having people think i was this pathetic awkward and anxious girl (which I wish I could control but obviously cant). She started to say that she knew there was no way anyone could be that nice and helpful all the time and that I had some hidden intentions (eventhough I admitted more than once that I wouldnt want her gone because I wouldnt be able to work without her). Needless to say, in the past year our relationship began to unravel because shs thought my weaknesses were more important and told more of my character than all the times I showed kindness and friendship, even if it cost me a little bit of comfort or happiness.

Well everything went to crap once my job decided to terminate both our jobs, but two of my bosses came ba k and offered me the choice of two other jobs. She took it hard but reassured me I shouldnt feel bad about her because it probably meant it wasnt meant for her. Now the issue was, previous to the layoffs I was briefed about what was going to happen but told not to let her know. This happened a day before we got our letters. I didnt tell her which kept our relationahip fine (as fine as it could be given the circumstances). But a few days later in a moment of weakness I let it slip that I was told from the day before and thats when it hit the fan. She began to bring up what I consodered ancient history saying from back then I was out to get people (which is completely off mark because I had acted in that situation with all of us INNOCENTS in mind). She then threw in my face that everything I ever expressed about caring about her and her family was a lie because had I really cared I wouldve told her something about the layoff before I found out. Truth be told though, the main reason why I didnt say anything was because she reacted exactly as I was expectong from the bwgining. I was afraid because I knew she would blame me. And I was also devastated and felt a bit guilty that there was nothing for her. And of course that led to her deleting me off her FB which to a person with such low self esteem as myself felt was a direct attack at me, and so I reacted rashly and sent her a message expressing my hurt at her being petty and told her I was sad to see that she had made it up in her mind I was such a horrible person when I never meant to do anything to hurt her. I immediately regretted sending it and apologized for it the next time I saw her telling her I had been outline. After yelling at me she insisted she wasnt angry with me and that she didnt regret doing what she did for me but that now she learbt a valuable lesson and that she was not going to allow me to take advantage of her again. And that she was cutting me out of her life. That she doesnt care about me anymore.

The problem is thiugh, I cant stop caring about her. Although she said things that hurt me and she did at times made me feel like I didnt measire up, I still care and I still valued our friendship. I really wish I didnt though. Previous to the final break I had wished I didnt care as mich as I did because I knew she was starting to see me in a negative light and I felt judged unjustly, because she was one of the only people I was ever completely openly honest with. Sometimes I wonder if I was too much. It had been a month since I had seen her and last time when we said goodbye she wasnt interested. And then today I saw her again and against my better judgement I decided to approach her and her family and say hi. And she was so cold. She simply said hi, and when I asked her how she was she proceeded to walk away with hwr huaband. Her daughter gave me a big smile, but didnt indulge me either since I am guessing under her mother's orders she ia not supposed to speak to me (I noticed this a while before her last day of work. Her daughter acted out of character and spoke to me only when her mom wasnt around. Even told me not to let her mom know she was upstairs with me). Seeing her still act like that hurt me. It ruined the rest of the day for me. I hate that this is affecting me this much, but I kinda looked up to her. I wanted to be more like her, but now she doesnt even want to hear from me. This was my firat time trying to make contact since over a month, and it blew up in my face. I feel so gutted and I wish I didnt.

How do you cope when friendships go sour? How do you guys cope with an unfair amount of guilt put on you?

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