So because I'm high out of my mind right now and the geodon wears off by noon. I can't take it in the morning because it knocks me out flat around three hours after I take it. Like full on drunken sailor tired and I absolutely cannot push through it. So I can't take it before work.

Many of you know that I teach English in a private school for behavioral and emotionally disturbed kids. I LOVE my job. I don't wAnt to lose it. But I'm so high by te afternoon that I may not be able to function and do my job. I cannot even think about lesson plans right now because I have thousNds of thoughts all competing for space in my head. I'm kinda screwed anyway. Too late to start a book, textbooks are boring, can't do a orksheets every day for the next seven weeks.

Anyway I can't afford to be out right now or ever. I could claim short term disability. But that sure as hell won't help when I don't have a paycheck to speak of. I don't know what we would do.

I'm also concerned about what I would say. I've told them three times now that it's a medication issue. I know they can't ask but seriously what would I say why I'm out for two weeks? Or longer?

I don't care about the chatty kathies at work. They already started a rumor that I tried to kill myself. Which in essence was kind of true sort of but I didn't talk to anyone - I mean NO ONE - from my school over the summer. So where did they get that **** from? My only guess is someone has noticed all the scars on my wrists when my sleeve snaked up or something. I know who would have started it too and at least she's out for the rest of the year with an actual medical condition. But what would I tell my superintendent? My principal?

I KNOW they can't ask but I can't even come up with a good lie. I guess I would just say I have a medical problem that needs to be addressed.

And part if me is like I hope she does take me out because I can't be like this right now.

I dunno. I wish I were better.