I think the important thing is to really figure out what it is thats upsetting you. It seems like its not his grief that upsets you, but his inattention to you and your needs. Instead of telling him you need/want him to grieve differently, express that you need his attention and love. It sounds like he lost her at a particularly pivotal time in his life, and its easy to lose sight of other things when you're grieving. Instead of asking him to change or expressing displeasure with his actions, I would recommend focusing on your need and seeing how he responds to that.