I just have to reach out to other Christians on a personal matter that is weighing my heart. It is a little long, but I could really use some insight. As a ministry leader, our personal confidences are fewer than you would think.

I am a wife of 7 years to my amazing husband and mother of 2 beautiful children. I am in my early 30's. My husband is a men's ministry pastor, and men's group trainer and I am a sahm but do minister to women frequently and help my husband with all the behind the ministry needs on a regular basis. We love God and ministry, and marriage ministry is our ultimate common goal and our true passion in life.

About 3 years ago my husband met a friend and he is exactly our age, he quickly became my husband's friend, and then seemingly became basically his best friend. We all ministered together several times a week, he helped us with countless events and ministry needs as a leader and friend. Neither our family nor his has any local family in the area, so after all this time he and his children have become like family to us. We both have each others house keys and they are precious to us. I personally see him like a little brother (he is 5 mo. younger!) and I have trusted him and adored him like family.

He has been having trouble in his marriage and over the years we both have spent hours of loving personal conversations encouraging him and lifting him up to help with his marriage and family situation. Though his wife does not seem to want to be married, has threatened divorce for 8 years and wants to live her own way, including ignoring her house and even their two children. She basically uses her home just to sleep there and complains when she has to feed or watch her own kids. She is very wrapped up in her business and hides there and really won't let anyone in.

Personally, I have tried countless times to reach out and minister to her and love her and befriend her without much success. Our friend is left to work his full time job, watch his children when they come home from school, cook, clean, shop and manage everything in the home.

Last year, about June or so, he began facing more of a crisis in his marriage, his wife's new business took her away from home more and more leaving him overwhelmed with all of the duties even more. When she would take the children with her, it got to the point she was not even wanting to feed her children dinner. Breakfast is a tray of Oreos and milk, dinner is at 9:00 at night - bedtime 12:00 or later. The children were getting sick all the time from lack of sleep and very sad from emotional abandonment.

I did my best and started to step up to the plate more to start watching the children at my house more to help out. My husband and I continued to offer marriage advice and personal encouragement. As I continued to help more, I started trying to help with light household duties and cooking large meals that would have leftovers for them a couple times a week. I began to watch the children pretty equally at my house or theirs. We became very close, I felt like he was practically a twin brother we had so many similarities, people even said we look alike so much they just assume we are siblings. Coming from not much family myself, I treasure that. I did everything I could to pour love, prayer and support into each of them and to especially encourage him from a woman's perspective. I would lovingly but firmly correct him if I thought he was doing something stupid in his marriage and I tried to give them both tools to help. His wife would tolerate me, but would mock me when I would leave but he seemed like he was trying everything we gave him. I loved him and the children very much and just wanted them to be whole and restored.

Now that you have background... here is my problem. In December, I was shopping for Christmas presents when I had an unexpected health crisis. Apparently I was born with a heart condition and did not know it. A week before my heart acted up and I was on our living room floor clutching my chest. My husband just kind of looked at me and oddly enough walked away from me to go "floss". Sometimes he clams up in situations. On this day, my husband was working, my Aunt had my children and so I just tried to drive myself home to rest. My heart had always fluttered my whole life but I just chalked it up to stress. On my drive home I realized something was very wrong. My heart began to pound intensely and would not stop. Not being too far from my "brother's" workplace, I made it to his parking lot and called him. He came dashing out of the building, ran to my car, flung open the door and I began to feel the most intense crushing pain of my life. I saw spots and fainted in his arms. My body went into a seizure and then I went into cardiac arrest. He called 911, they began to have him prepare me for rescue and the ambulance arrived in 2 min. My heart rate returned and I regained consciousness in the ER. My heart malfunctioned again in the ER, I almost died again and finally they were able to stabilize me. VERY scary experience. I had a genetic abnormality and needed surgery. They stabilized me over the holidays with medicine and I had surgery in middle January.

During the month that I had to wait for surgery the best way I can describe how I felt was numb and confused. I apparently was suffering from acute stress similar to Post traumatic stress. Nothing felt safe, not even my body, my home did not feel familiar, my husband did not feel familiar, and I just could not feel God at all. I felt like I was barely functioning above instinct. Holidays were a numb blur. The only time I felt safe was when my "brother" was around. I died in his arms and he was there to bring comfort to me in the hospital, sat with me and read scripture etc. He felt safe.

For the holidays he went away on a 15 day break to see his/her family up north. Both families are strained and he called frequently for support. We missed each other very much and I did not feel as safe with him gone. I tried to connect to my usual surroundings and people, but I just felt so numb. When he returned home, my husband picked him up and he came and surprised me at the house. We hugged for a solid 5 minutes and I felt so much better that he was home. He kissed my cheek and said how much he missed me. I missed him too.

During this time, my husband began to worry that we were getting too close and approached him about it. He assured him he loved me, but that nothing was wrong. I was very stressed to say the least... and for the first time really in my relationship with him, I was the one needing help. Usually I was helping him! I was grateful he was there in so many ways and I felt totally safe when he was around. He would read God's word to me and I was so comforted. He said he would be there when I even opened my eyes after my heart surgery. I was grateful for that too.

My medicines for my heart made me very exhausted and I felt like I constantly had the flu. As badly as my body ached, I could not sleep at night because the medicine exhausted my body but disturbed my sleep. I had not had more than 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep in a month. I felt like a truck hit me every day and my mind were so exhausted. I felt alone, confused and like I just did not know what to do with myself. I felt very anxious about my surgery and I just felt so displaced from my life.

The beginning of January my husband sent me away for a 3 day spa getaway a week before my surgery. I had a spa treatment the first day and I got to spend 2 nights sleeping peacefully in a local hotel close to a local beach of ours. Or so I thought. When I came out of the spa there was a large bouquet of flowers on the windshield from him with a note saying that he loved me and that he hoped I had a wonderful weekend resting in the Lord. There was scripture on it and I felt so comforted. I felt like my husband and my brother were sending me away to rest and I felt protected. I really needed to try to sleep and rest. I called told my husband about the flowers and just felt so happy. I went to my room and got ready for bed.

I got a phone call from my "brother" at about 12:30 a.m. He knew I was having trouble sleeping all the time and said he was calling to check on me, sorry so late, but he wanted to see if I was settled in o.k. I said I was fine. He just came from a late prayer meeting with my husband and was going home. We chatted for about 1/2 hour and I said I was getting tired and was getting ready to sleep. The next thing I know he asked me, " So what is with the do not disturb sign in the lock?" I threw back the covers and freaked out! Oh my goodness! He was Here? I opened the door and was thrilled to see him! I did not expect him to be there, I just figured I would see him Sunday night when I returned home. O.K., you probably guessed by now, something happened. [b]NO, not that something, but a definite shift in the relationship. I hugged him; I was as thrilled to see him as I was when he came back from his vacation. I asked him how he knew what room I was in and he said that my husband told him weeks ago. He helped him with the details.

We hugged for what seemed like forever, and then he tilted up my head and kissed me. I let him. I felt so loved and so safe it was amazing. Afterwards, I just laid my head on his chest and he said he had been wanting to do that for a long time. I paused...then something made me ask him..."How long?" Probably a year at least it had been a distraction for him he said. He said how beautiful I was and he would fight being distracted when I would talk to him. Then I did get some clarity and got a little irritated. I asked... "What about all the times I prayed for you/with you or ministered to you? Did you even hear anything I ever said then...or were you distracted?" He backpedaled alot, and needless to say we talked alot, about everything really the rest of that night. He left at about 6:30 in the morning because he had an early appointment. I realized exactly how he felt and I was very confused at this point about how I felt about him. I knew I loved him, and I trusted him and felt very safe with him. Obviously. He was so close with all of us and I seemed to understand him the most, but Wow, I suddenly had a whole new issue to deal with. I love him so much, but I told him I did not want anything to harm our relationship and I just really thought we would be in each other's lives forever. I spent the rest of the weekend pretty confused, really did not get much rest at all and talked to my sister...alot!

I did not know how/if I should make a big deal out of it or tell my husband since nothing "bad" happened. I contemplated all weekend what to do. Needless to say... my husband talked to him every day and when he would not answer his phone on Saturday my husband got suspicious. He just said that he felt overwhelmingly concerned about my "brother's" feelings for me. He was also concerned that my love for him would turn romantic since it was deepening because of what happened with my heart incident. He was also worried about the "Hero" factor bringing us too close together too. He called another pastor and they were both going to confront our "brother" about his feelings and motives toward me.

Well, because I have always been very honest with my husband and have told him everything during our entire relationship- I really never had anything to hide, so I guess my "brother" thought I probably said something about him being in my room on Friday. He knew I told my husband already about the flowers on my car but he did not know that I did not tell him yet about being at my room.

My husband asked him to come to our house, he wanted to talk. My husband did not know at this point that our "brother" had come to my room or kissed me. He just saw major warning signals in how close we were getting and the fact that I was only really rested around him during the last month. When he got there with our other pastor friend, he realized he was being confronted. Not knowing I hadn't told my husband yet about what happened, he freaked out, said I called him and that he came to my room to minister to me and that I was scared and he wanted to comfort me. He said he got caught up in all of it and that I kissed him!!!!!!

I came home a few hours later from my weekend after my husband confronted him (which I did not know about). Boy did I walk into a mess. My husband informed my that he basically made me out to be a pursuant seductress. He apparently went home and "confessed" to his wife, told her I was all over him and that he doesn't know how it happened. My husband wanted him to come back to our house that night after I returned from my weekend to set things straight with me. He came back to our house right after I got home and sat me down and before I could say anything he blurted out that, "Our relationship is wrong and evil and wicked and you need to ask God for forgiveness and your husband for forgiveness. We can only communicate from now on through your husband if at all." He had this cold look in his eyes that I had not ever seen in 3 years.

I was stunned and overwhelmed. I ran out of the house and I just felt so upset. My husband told me what he had said earlier and I was floored. I told him what really happened and he said he understood and that he understands that there was no sex involved but that I could never see him again. I was so devastated by the sudden betrayal and having him ripped away from my life all I could do was cry. My heart hurt so bad emotionally and physically, I literally felt like I was going to die again. I was reeling in pain and betrayal and confusion. I have felt never more alone in my life. My surgery was days away and I felt abandoned and scared. Nothing made sense and I could not force clarity at all. I did not feel safe or comforted; I cried out and hurt deeply. I felt abandoned and I could not even find my Father in Heaven.

Where was my God who I always depended on, why could I not feel Him or anything for anyone else and now all I could feel was overwhelming pain. Was all the ministering I just did for almost 3 years for nothing? I began to question whether I was effective ever with anyone at all! Had he heard anything I said or was it just a way to be near me? What about the children? I would probably never see them either. What about my surgery? Would he be there? Why on earth would he blame me and act like I have been some kind of seductress??? How could someone I loved and trusted, especially in my most critical hour, betray me like that?

My surgery came and I was frightened. I was not finding much comfort in God, all the scriptures I knew just sounded like words. Nothing was penetrating. I was put under anesthetic. My husband, sister and church friend were there waiting for me. I woke up and my sister said when I was under my anesthetic I started crying and was asking for my "brother" and was desperately crying out his name. I seemed very frightened and disoriented. I am told people do all sorts of things when they are coming out of anesthesia.

I came home to heal, and he never called to see how my surgery was. We know alot of people and my husband sent out a group e-mail to let all of the men and friends in our church and family know I was ok, but we never heard from him again. I have made no attempts to contact him either, but it has been 3 months now and I miss him every day. We were so close. I am still stunned, sometimes angry, but mostly I feel deeply hurt and my heart aches. Maybe my husband was very right to step in, maybe I was beginning to fall in love with him, I honestly don't know. I loved him very much, he felt like family, I trusted him and felt loved and protected by him like he really was my brother. After he saved my life, our relationship deepened and I certainly was not able to distinguish much, but I do know that He betrayed my husband and I both. I miss him, I miss the children and sometimes my children ask me on a weekly basis if the can see Uncle ---, or if they can play with his kids. I still hurt but I will not contact him. What could I possibly say to him? And besides...I would not want to feed his accusations that I was the pursuant one!?

The last few week’s mutual friends seem to bring up his name out of no where. Without being asked we are told how he is doing and that he said to tell everyone in our men's group "Hi" (since he is obviously no longer welcome in that either!) He started going to a different church right before all of this happened so we can excuse his absence because of that. Every time I hear his name I want to cry and throw a shoe at his head at the same time. I know I am still recovering, I am weaning off of my medicines (which still make me sick and not sleep well) and I am trying to find a new normal. I am doing my best to "get with it", but it feels like I have to completely reconstruct my life. I have gone to a few counseling sessions but she is a Christian counselor, she has also counseled my husband and knows that we are leaders at our church. I feel somewhat inhibited talking to her and I feel more comfortable talking about my heart issue than I do with the issue with my "brother". I am talking intimately with my husband every night, sometimes for hours. This has really made my husband want to be even closer to me and it seems like it is deepening our relationship as I continue to gain strength and clarity. But there are times I miss my "brother" and my heart aches so much I could just cry. I am having trouble trusting men or wanting to minister to anyone at all. I feel so grieved and angry at the same time. My sister just moved out of state a couple of weeks ago so that adds to my upheaval in my life. I don't know what to do, but I could use some insight or advice. Some days I feel like giving up. I am so exhausted physically and I am finally getting off of my medicine. Hopefully I will get rest and sleep and feel healthy again soon. My heartbeat is still irregular, but should heal itself completely in a year or two.

I know this is a really long letter, but I just needed to get it all out. I feel so weird and I could really use insight from other Christians as I continue to try to trust God and rebuild my life. God has led us to scriptures, but the one that breaks my heart is one that our Pastor friend (the one who was the mutual friend between all 3 of us) leads us to. It is the story of Amnon and Tamar in 2 Samuel 13. King David sent Tamar to her half brother Amnon because he seemed ill and was calling for her. Amnon feigned illness because he loved his half sister Tamar and wanted to be near her. She loved him and tended him wholeheartedly unaware of his motives and then he took advantage of her and raped her and then tossed her callously aside like she was garbage. I was not raped, but the clarity of the story and the motives pierced me to the core. The loving man I thought of like close family and helped probably had misguided motives for a long time and we just never knew. It is so hard to turn him into an Amnon. To turn the person I loved like a brother into a person who just lusted after me? I wish I could have him before me and have him explain himself to me. But, he can't do that without revealing his intent. The person I thought he was I would have expected an apology by now. I guess he really is an Amnon. What else can I think? Nothing else makes sense until I look at it with a motive of intent on his end and that hurts so much. Were my husband and I were just resources to him to help elevate him in the church and I inadvertently became a goal? We all were so close but I just can't imagine someone could have that much intent and bad motive for that long?

I have not heard from him and I don't know if I ever will, so I must find a way to reconcile this in my heart and try not to let it embitter me or turn me off from ministering to people. We live 2 miles apart; I pass his house or work almost every time I leave the house. Needless to say we have thrown away his house key and are trying to remove him from our lives. My husband and I have both been burnt by people, even other Christians before, but I just really never saw this coming and with as intimate and close as we had become after he was there when my heart stopped and in the days and month following, I must say, his betrayal hurts and cuts more deeply than anyone else’s ever has.

AS leaders in our church and surrounding area ministries we have not told anyone about this and do not want to smear his family in any way, so we are just dealing with it ourselves. I have asked my husband for forgiveness for not guarding my heart better and letting down boundries. I have asked God for forgiveness and am trying not to beat myself up but it is hard. I guess you just really never know another person’s motive completely and I must learn to pull my boundries in even tighter. Every day is just a challenge to try to rebuild my life right now and feel strong and whole again. My faith was shaken a bit and I was really overwhelmed, but I know God is our justice and that if he does not repent for real he will be judged.

I am just having trouble turning my love for him into indifference. Especially since we recently found out he is just dashing about at his 3rd new church trying to get into leadership again and is cozying up to the head pastor of that church too. The pastor of the 2nd church he went to was the friend who came with him the day my husband confronted him. He told him he would not be able to be in leadership for a minimum of 6 months in his church in any way and has apparently tried to council him and his wife. We recently heard that he is starting to attend evening classes at yet a 3rd church now. He is really running. How could he even consider leadership at all? I genuinely loved him and it is hard to just flip a switch in my heart, but how could he behave so coldly? I can barely still make sense of it all! I just keep repeating to myself the story of Amnon and Tamar. It is just so hard to grasp that he really was just like that. He is very good at hiding his dysfunction I guess. I have so many issues to work through - my physician just told me my heart should not stop on me again but will act up a little from time to time so I am finally finding more trust in even just my physical self. Fear had been a big issue during all of this that I am finally working through as well. God is really teaching me to slow down and is getting my attention in a lot of ways. I was overwhelmed and overburdened and definately need to better learn to reprioritize my time and energy. I guess all of this was so unexpected and really all at once that it is still all so hard to sort through and believe.

Thanks so much for listening!