(((Jane))),

Ok, I want you to think about something, because I have done this myself, exactly what you have been doing and I have seen others struggling do it too.

You are turning your anger "inward" do you see it? This in not the way to go or feed into Jane, but this does happen when someone is struggling with PTSD. Yes, you do deserve my support, especially right now because I know very intimately where you are and I also know it is not being fair to yourself.

(((Jane))), it is ok to have "anger" because it is part of the grieving process, but you need to be careful not to allow yourself to feed into it too much, always keep in mind that PTSD magnifies our emotions and all our senses, so with that in mind being patient with "self" and doing self care and reaching out for support is very important.

Yes, going forward is important, and you are doing that which is very important. But, you also need to be able to grieve whatever was a "loss" to you too. We heal and grow when we grieve and we grieve with people who actually listen and are willing to support you and actually give you the permission you need to grieve. You need to remember that you "are" a human being and we are designed to "grieve" our losses because in so doing we grow and learn and we do that with others and after we learn how to grieve and grow we become the kind of people that understand the need so much better and we become people that are capable of helping others as they grieve too. Jane, we are emotional beings and we have been designed this way for our survival and to group together too and bond. When people do not have appropriate human emotions, they don't respect or care about others, they become a danger to others and a threat to our survival as a species.

(((Jane))), the way you have struggled and were alone with so much challenge and kept trying to push aside your own emotional needs until you now suffer is proof that human beings are not designed to go through life not being allowed to have emotions and emotional support from others. You need to dig deep and empower the nurturer for yourself, I know it's there Jane because you have expressed it many times when you talk about your son and you have offered support to others here in the forum that are struggling too. If your son somehow failed at something, he would have anger and anger towards self, you would sit with him and help him through that Jane and in so doing would calm him down and empower him to keep going forward and keep trying. That is how we are all supposed to be Jane, that is our human design.

Jane, just about everyone has subconscious skeletons, your ex had them too and when he was challenged some of that came out and was directed at you and you did not have any support for that. Often when someone finds another person to throw their angry subconscious skeletons at, they continue to keep doing that to that person, and that is always unfair to that person and we see tons of that in this forum and the victims of abuse forum.

Jane you did your best, but you are only human and no human deserves to be punished or become a punching bag that is supposed to be able to stand there and be beaten up emotionally by another person, no matter who that other person was/is, no matter what "love" had been established. You had a right to what you wanted in a healthy relationship, it is how you were designed to "want" because we need to establish that for a healthy environment for our offspring. A woman will try very hard to create that kind of relationship and she will be forgiving and strong many times, however, there comes a point where if her efforts are not working and it is unhealthy, a woman must have enough strength to walk away. And when that happens, there will be grieving, but it never means the woman really failed. Yes, there can be anger and all the other emotions that take place when that happens, but that is "not" punishment and that is also something that has to take place. It has to be there in the female so that she can walk away from having a dysfunctional environment for the offspring. If we did not have that then our offspring would imprint that the way men and women relate is the man should be like this and it is ok to take his emotional challenges and angers out on the female. That doesn't work in establishing a healthy environment for our overall human survival. And where that takes place there is more violence and social unrest in societies, they tend to be much more aggressive and destructive of other human beings and the offspring fails to become productive parts of a healthier overall society, and it burdens that society and can cause deteriorations and overburdening.

You need to consider a bigger picture in your struggles Jane because it is really important in your healing and growth that you do deserve to have and share with others.

Please think about what I am saying, I know it is a challenge, but I really do not want you to "feed into" the wrong emotions and I know that can be hard at times, but I also know you can get past this part of the grieving process but you need to be patient and keep doing the important self care.

((Understanding and supportive caring Hugs))))
OE