alex......................so yes, the f buddy thing, i get that, you've got 'needs' and that's a good filler. but, I have to say, this does intersect, at some level, with relationships dear one wether you admit it or not. You've illustrated above that once the connection goes beyone the F level...if it does, you clearly put the kabosh on it. So I 'd reckon it's valid that you apply these 'defences' al the time regarding intimacy either with 'partner-types' or friends.

As for:
............................"i guess i need to talk about it. because if i don't talk about it then i'll only act it out instead. and that would be worse. part of it is about the intensity. i find it hard to do things by halves. my emotions are either very very intense or i'm kinda dissociated from them. the dissociation can help with the present interaction. stops me doing anything irrevokable. but i guess there are costs with respect to other interactions and there are costs long term too as either the feelings come out violently with the alters or i push people away and they conclude they can't help me.

i just wish there was a 'mute' is all... i guess i'll start telling him this stuff properly by email when he goes away. but i'll also try and raise some of it when i see him on friday. i just... don't want to fall apart."....................................

Yes, you do need to try to talk about it. And if your fear is acting out or having alters arise, then I think this is an indicator that you need to go there. If you become sad, violent, regressed or whatever your T probably needs a bit of a window to 'see;' you, to really see you without you managing that perception 24/7. Therapy is the place for that, it is safe and he would be the best one to make some mistakes in front of ya know?

Doing something 'irrevokable' can be cathartic and move therapy up to a level that you may require to become 'better' or to achive the goals you are setting for yourself. This is the scariest part, letting t see what he does not typically see with you.

You seem to apply black/white thinking, all good/all bad, dissociate/act out. Well, you've shown him the dissociated side, maybe you can let go a little and show the acting out side. Your fear of what may happen is extremely valid and crippling your ability to move past this 'point' with T imo. You may feel rejected or that he will conclude he cannot or will not help you anymore. I understand this. You have to push beyond this comfort zone to get the answer. Otherwise, you're beting yourself up with the what ifs....instead of mustering the courage to see what happens when.....

The mindfulness stuff is good, but why do you feel you need to distract the other stuff? You may need to let go of mananging this and let it come to surface. It sounds a bit like avoidance versus "distraction" if used in this way. And yea, maybe avoiding is the coping tool of choiuce for you with T. Avoidance will stain you and he will eventually see this imo. Try my dear to show that side of which you try so hard to keep within. It'll be okay, you'll be okay and ppl will accept you for this...I would, i think T would too....

This will ultimately help you so you can apply it to future relationships and not fear the $$$$! off factor you employ with potential mates....

(((((((alex))))))))