Feeling lonely and depressed today. It's pouring rain outside, and I feel the way it looks. Yesterday I was out all day pushing myself to be social and do things with my time. Today I've done absolutely nothing, and I don't feel up to doing anything either. I'm babysitting my nephew tonight, so I need to get organized to go over there soon. It's hard to be around family members and friends who are married with kids because it makes me feel even more alone and alienated. When I feel this way I want to stop all my meds and do something reckless to make this numbness go away. But I won't. I'll keep doing what is expected of me, because I don't know what else to do. It feels like every time I start to feel better I just slip back and I can't sustain it. I feel like I'm just complaining and creating my own problems out of nothing. I want to pack up my life and move to a new city and start again.