Ok, yes, I accept that I've had delusions and psychosis in a past manic episode a year ago. That much is concrete and I believe it.

But everything else that happens lately has just got me completely confused and anxious.

I've read a lot about bipolar disorder lately (a lot...) and it just seems like I don't quite fit in. My moods seem to cycle far too frequently to be considered normal bipolar. I know there is a such thing as rapid cycling, but it is rarer and even still cycles slower than what I do.

I sort of feel like everybody (including me) tends to exaggerate there moods to get a point across but I'll try to be as frank as possible.

I'll start with three weeks ago. I was in bed for 14-18 hours a day with lots of suicidal thoughts and lots of negative thinking. I'd wake up, go to work, and come home to sleep again. Not a whole lot more to it than that.

About six or seven days ago, I flipped. It was night time when this phase started and I was in awe of everything around me. I would just look up at the moon through the trees and stare at it for 10 minutes. It was a good time, but I was basically a moron. I also managed to convince myself, for a brief time, that I should buy 10-15 suits so I could walk around being "fly" and be the new face of some brand.

The high time continued for another two days'ish. Then I crashed again and became extremely tired/fatigued and had lots of negative/suicidal thoughts. And this period of so called "depression" lasted for, I guess, a day.

Moving on, I became up again, apparently. Nothing super weird besides friends/coworkers commenting on me talking to fast for them, developing a stutter, speeding, and sleeping for four hours.

This brings me to, what I think is, today. I am fully aware of what is going on during both the high and low times. During the high times, I don't care about it just being a cycle. I want it to keep happening. And I contemplate stopping medication in an attempt to stay "up". During the down periods, I'm somewhat rational and I realize that those decisions are rash.

Back to the original point of this thread, I just don't feel like I fit in with bipolar disorder. I feel like they aren't even real cycles and I'm just being extra moody. Perhaps I'm just being hyper vigilant.

I have also read about borderline personality disorder. No, I don't think that fits me at all really (I'm no doctor though, so I can't say for sure). I don't have much of a history/problem with what it talks about.

Sorry for such a complicated/messy/confusing post. Maybe if you take your confusion and double it a couple times, you'll be to where I am. I just feel helpless to myself, I can't control my moods at all and it is starting to really really piss me off.

And yes, I'm talking to docs about all of this. I just don't feel entirely comfortable with them, so I don't really get a lot out of the sessions.