Something must be horribly wrong with me. I'm pretty sure I've posted about this before, but I don't think I went very in depth and it's still bothering me so here we go again.

I'm a woman and I hate my body. I hate everything about it. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I feel. I hate the way I feel about the way I look and feel.

I don't just hate my body. I hate all women's bodies. I don't have any clue how I would change my body if I had the power to because no matter what it looked like, I would hate it. If I had the power to custom design my body like in the Sims or something, I would make a man's body for someone else to live in because I don't want to be a man, but I also don't want to spend time working on a woman's body. I'm never jealous of another woman's body or appearance. They all look either too thick or too thin or something is wrong about them in some way and I hate boobs. They are weird to me. I see pictures of beautiful women all the time like everyone else these days with the media and I never think "I wish I looked like that". I'm often envious of their hair and facial structure but never their bodies which is weird because I'm fat and I hate my body.

I like to draw. I spend hours drawing pictures of men. I get really detailed in trying to get their proportions right and admiring their bodies. I only draw women when I feel weird about never drawing them or I want to draw hair. I also rarely make female game characters like in the Sims. In a game that doesn't require that much customization, I'm more likely to play as either gender.

I like porn. I don't like naked women and female genitalia completely disgusts me. I avoid this by watching exclusively gay porn. I tried bisexual porn with two guys and a girl because maybe I would like to imagine myself in the girl's place but the fact that a woman was present in the video turned me off completely.

What is wrong with me? I feel like this isn't normal. I'm straight and I identify as a woman. I've never been with a guy at all except for when I was violated as a child. Is that the problem? Do I hate myself so much because of that that I hate thinking about anyone that looks like me? Am I latently bisexual and trying to avoid that by never associating with women's bodies? I believe in spectrum sexuality so I mean more attracted to women than I'm allowing myself to consciously recognize because I think everyone is at least a little bi. But I feel like I'm pretty open minded and would be okay with me being attracted to a woman. I've just never been attracted to one. Maybe my gender identity isn't clear? I hate wearing dresses or dressing in a feminine way. I only feel comfortable in gender neutral clothing or even more masculine. I think that is a way for me to protect myself from getting attention as a woman and not a gender identify thing, but I don't know. I don't want to be a woman, but I feel like a woman. I want to want to be a woman and I don't want to be a man. I'm just confused and maybe I'm just trying to blame all of this confusion on something other than the CSA.