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eskielover · May 05, 2014, 04:04 AM

I left my H 7 years ago....with my finally kicking him out of my new farm 6 1/2 years ago when I tried to give him a chance in a new environment 2100 miles from where we had lived...the move there the previous 6 months for me had been enlightening & I had realized just how much I couldn't stand living with him after 33 years of horrible life together. I hid out the first 15 years in my college degree & my engineering career...then the last 13, I ended up trapped in the bad marriage I should have gotten out of while I could have.

Right after I kicked him out, I got a letter from the IRS (from our mail that I still had forwarded to my farm).....10 months before he had received a letter from them that he never told me about & never even contacted them about.....so I ended up negotiating with them & working out a payment plan & getting all the penalties removed........

Just 2 years ago I found out that he had stopped paying the property taxes then quit making the house payment that I was still on. It was at that time I realized that I really needed to get a divorce before he destroyed me completely financially (his irresponsibility financially was one of the major reasons I left in the first place among his inability to communicate & when he did communicate it was usually lies to cover up stupid things he did).

The lender called me about his not making payments.....& that was when I found out....& tried to contact him about what in the world was going on......almost 1 1/2 years of not paying property taxes & over 1 year of not paying the house payment & he couldn't account for the money that he hadn't spent.....it was ALL GONE & he was still struggling to make the house payment on time once they renegotiated the loan.....sadly, my name couldn't be taken off the loan even though I quit claimed the property over to him.....I have my farm & I got the money that I loaned him out of the refi that was done on the home.....so no problem....I own my farm all paid for after my mother died....I sold her home & took my inheritance & used that to LEAVE HIM.....something he thought I would never do.

Fast forward to just a few weeks ago.....I had overpaid a bit on the IRS when they finally removed the penalties....so I get this federal government check for the refund amount...made out to both of us just as it had been on the tax return. I sent it by certified letter to make sure he didn't ignore signing it....got it back only to find out that I can't deposit it except in a joint bank account & no check cashing place will cash it unless both are present (he's 2100 miles away). So I call up our joint account & find out that the account he's using has been running at $1600-2000 overdrawn every month & he's living on the overdraft charges they charge for every check that comes in while it's overdrawn. When his disability check comes in....the next day he takes out his large sum of cash for the month just to the point where it's goes into overdraft.....so I can't even cash the check through our joint account unless I'm able to hit that very small window when the account is positive.

Several other very bad choices he's made over the years.....his parents gave him money for a car after the car I left him broke down & quit running.....so he goes out & buys a gas guzzler camero then complains about how much his cost of gas is...then while not paying his property taxes & not paying the house payment....he goes out & gets a title loan on that camero at around 300% interest because he doesn't want his bank account to go into overdraft....which he kept doing anyway......then the camero quits running & he goes out & buys a NEW car because then allowed him to qualify for it.....yea, they let you qualify, knowing that if you default...they get the car back anyway....how stupid can he be.

Everyone at the CU has been wonderful at helping me see exactly what's been going on.....it's also brought to light just how financially irresponsible he is. However over the last 6 months....I have been doing a lot of research on aspergers & looking back & seeing just how it applies to everything that was a problem in our marriage. When the IRS situation came up....his/my pdoc wrote the IRS a letter saying that there was more wrong with him than just the ADD, but that he needed a neurological exam to determine what was going on that he never followed through with. So with all this evidence put together through my research.........

I decided to call Adult Protective Services from 2100 miles away to alert them to the fact of just how bad off he is financially & how irresponsible he is to take care of himself....filed a report on him. I have long been out of his life for 7 years.....& I looked back at the money from the refi.....while I was doing all his bills during that time & have proof that I was spending the money on paying his bills until the money ran out.....after I got the money that was mine out of it.

When I left....I left everything I owned still in California with him....I basically took nothing & really have no way of getting the things in the first place. So when the divorce is finalized....he basically has everything & what little I got out of the refi over what I had loaned him to make repairs on the house....was basically a small amount of payment & not even 50/50 of what our marriage had accumulated over the 33 years in things.....there was NO money left after he totally blew it & paid everything on credit after I lost my engineering career & ended up in major depression.....he was unable to handle our finances during that time & we should have filed bankruptcy but he just never got around to it.....so all the IRA's were gone before I ever left him in the first place. Shoot, I still have cloths left there that I didn't end up bringing in the small moving van I drove across the country a few months after I bought my farm....& NO furniture...I have been living in my farm with absolutely NO furniture for 7 years....I have my bed that I had bought, a coffee table & a rocking chair, 2 night stands & a couple of end tables while everything else was left in Calif.

I was actually struggling with the divorce because I honestly don't remember much of what I left in Calif after 7 years & he wouldn't take photos so that I could write down the things that I might want to claim if I ever get out there in the first place. Sometimes I think that just getting the divorce through without dealing with stuff is really the smartest thing to do....but my lawyer wants me to at least have something in writing that gives me claim to certain things. Most of the furniture is too heavy & too big to move that far in the first place. Dealing with him has been a total nightmare & from the very beginning I refused to do anything that wasn't in writing so all our communication was either through text (which I transcribed) or email......& there has been very little communication on his part in the first place.

Dang guy was there when my horse was put down & he didn't even bother to tell me....I found out on facebook the following monday morning when my horse trainer posted about it....she had assumed that when he was there & on the phone that he was talking to me about it.....which he wasn't. His total inability to communicate in any reasonable manor throughout our marriage.....leads me more & more to the assumption that aspergers has played a serious roll in his part of the failed marriage....but at least I can understand the reason now & not just that he was being a total jerk....even though it's how that behavior comes across anyway. It doesn't change how I feel about him or how I ever felt about him throughout our marriage that was nothing but constant fighting.....our marriage was actually over before it ever began as there were issues before I got married that I actually had told my mother that I changed my mind & I didn't want to get married to him afterall.....serious issues that were the final issues that I left him for after 33 years of trying to deal with it.

Anyway....right now, I'm waiting to see what the social workers come up with from the APS report I filed against him....my hope is that they force an evaluation & will push for getting him a conservator over his estate (finances) so that he will have to quit digging his hole deeper & deeper. While at the same time....I'm not sure quite how to approach out daughter with this information....& when I talked to his pdoc (who had been mine before I left) he asked me to write up my concerns & fax them to him (that way everything is in writing) for him to go over also. It would have been nice if his parents cared enough to help with information from his childhood & how aspergers might have shown up then without their actually realizing it looking back....but they are angry with my leaving him & when I told then that their son has serious problems after the IRS situation & that they needed to be aware of the fact that there was more wrong with him than just the ADD....then never responded but commented to him in an email that I got hold of....that he was the saint for having put up with me for all those years through my depression & suicide attempts (yep.....it's only been over the 7 years after I left him that I realized exactly why I had those suicide attempts & it wasn't all because of my loss of career.....it was because I didn't see any other way out of my bad marriage I felt trapped in with a husband who couldn't take care of anything when I was unable to). I had no idea that my mother was going to die of cancer & I was going to get everything & be able to sell her house for enough to outright purchase my farm that I had always dreamed of having.......so I am thankful that God kept the suicide attempts from being successful as they actually should have been several times.

I desperately want to get this divorce finished.....but at the same time, I want to make sure that he is taken care of through a conservatorship because I know he can't take care of himself....it's way more than obvious after 7 years.....I only have my disability money left at this point...everything else I put into my farm & my truck & I save up before I buy anything while he impossibly is digging his hole deeper & deeper when it comes to finances by continually making very unwise choices because I don't think he's capable of making wise choices especially given the distinct possibility that aspergers is what is the controlling force in his life.

In sickness & in health.....but I just don't want my life destroyed by having to continue to live with him or around him......sadly, he's made his choices & he has to live with those also.....I have made my choices....& I am surrounded now by the most wonderful people & friends...who are more like family than I ever experienced in my whole life before now....I have never been happier even through the difficult times I still have......I have people who care & who will stand by me......what I would have expected from a H but never had....so I am better off with no one & living by myself....& maybe some day finding someone who really does care & who I can care about also....but I fear that after all the bad experiences, I would be too afraid or unable to care for someone that close in my life....as I came from totally dysfunctional parents when it came to emotional caring into a marriage with a H who was totally incapable of emotional caring.....so I honestly don't know if I would have the ability to care or not & would definitely NOT want to get into a marriage that I would be the one who ended up destroying it.

I think living along & having close friends who care from outside of my inner life....is the best thing for me. I have no problem living alone with my eskie dogs....they give me all the company I need or really want at this point in my life....besides the fact that I still need to get the divorce resolved in the first place anyway....& that's going to be more stress than I really want also after I see what happens with the APS report & their contact with him face to face.

I asked what happens if he's able to BS them.....they assured me that the social workers are trained in that kind of stuff....lol....we will definitely see what comes of this....but it was something that I felt was seriously necessary while everyone else around him including himself is in denial that there is anything wrong....except for what I know his pdoc knows....but couldn't get him to act on either.......hopefully I will be able to get something to happen through this action that will be in his best interest....while still achieving getting my divorce finalized.