I just wanted to give all the details to help outsiders understand. I do not need to justify myself. I have been extremely repentant over this situation and have very forthcoming during my entire friendship with him and during this entire situation itself which is why my husband does trust me. I have never cheated on him or ever intend too which is why no sex was involved. I try to be a very modest, loving Christian woman who would not try to make someone stumble on purpose.

Our marriage is growing stronger and we are talking alot every night. We are going through this together and I am grateful for my husband's love and obedience to God to be able to help see clearly in this situation and he was willing to confront our friend to help protect our marriage.

Sometimes you just let your guard down and you forget that danger can lurk in the most unexpected places. This was a very difficult time, for the first time in my life I was not the "strong" one. Usually I only take my weaknesses to the Lord so that I can always be here to love and encourage everyone else, but this really ripped the rug out from under me and I didn't feel like I could even find God. I was struggling to just live...every heartbeat hurt for days and the fact that I died really shook up my life, heart surgery was very scary to face too. I would love to tell you I was such a superior Christian that as a 33 year old wife and mother of 2 sudden cardiac arrest did not phase me at all and unexpected heart surgery in a few weeks, but it really did.

I am not excusing my behaviour, I have been extremely vocal and detailed and forthcoming as we sort this out but I was very frightened and was struggling with acute stress after my heart stopped. Muddling through all of this at once has been very hard. I had even sought counseling for post traumatic stress. My home, husband, children etc. did not seem comforting or really very familiar. Colors and sounds and smells were amplified, scripture seemed like just words and I felt lost in a fog. I hadn't slept more than 4 uninterrupted hours in a month and I was on horrible medicine. I certainly owe up to the fact that I was clinging to him as security. Nothing seemed or felt secure, not even my next breath. The last secure thing I saw or felt was him as I began to pass out before my heart stopped. He was there in the ER, stayed with me alot in the hospital etc. He was like my brother. I had no reason to be suspicious or fear him, I felt loved and protected.

We ultimately should really not even get too attached to anyone in this world because Christ should be our only rock. HE usually is…which is what made my confusion even more frightening. I just couldn’t feel much of anything at the time. This was a very traumatic thing that I didn't see coming. I never expected to have this happen and there were many things God was revealing in this situation. I was overwhelmed, overworked, exhausted and just had a major health crisis. I made a mistake letting him in the door probably, but I think if it was any other man I certainly would not have opened the door, but at the time he was the one I trusted the most since he helped to save my life. I did not expect him to show up and after he kissed me I also asked him why he was there and we certainly needed to talk about this and what was really being felt. I loved him but it was certainly not romantic and I made that clear. If I was interested in leaving my husband I suppose I had prime opportunity to do so, but that was not my intention. I did not view him that way. I am guilty of lowering boundries. He was already so close to us, all of us, like a family member, that we both dropped our guard and deemed him safe.

I don't think it was very nice of you to say you wouldn't blame my husband if he didn't trust me or if he left me! As another Christian woman, pastor's wife or not I absolutely would not encourage that type of advice, ever. This was not premeditated and my husband understands because we were both involved in this and I was honest, I never hid anything because as far as I was concerned, there wasn't anything to hide. I am frustrated and hurt and angry because I can't believe someone could be so fearful and lacking in integrity that they would just blame someone they love that loves them too for their premeditated sin. His motives were exposed, my lack of boundry and willingness to love wholeheartedly certainly got me in trouble, but I have been very forthcoming about my mental state, motives and lack of clarity.

I have asked repeatedly for forgiveness of any hurt I inadvertently may have caused as I continue to sort this out. I am just struggling how supposed Christians can forget they are flawed as well and develop such pious attitudes and think they can just dash about pretending nothing is wrong. I certainly have not been ministering to anyone since my surgery, I/we are trying to heal. And I have had no contact with him whatsoever on my end. With as much as we pour into others, sometimes we can just really get hurt, and sometimes it is really bad timing too.

I just wanted to get other peoples insight, not verbal condemnation. Sometimes it is hard to let people go so unexpectedly, especially a loved one who helped to save your life. I do not have alot of other people to talk to besides my husband. Churches do have busybodies and holier than thou types, as I am sure you are well aware. As leaders we are judged more severely by God and unfortunately sometimes other Christians. You have to be careful what you say and to whom. We have been careful what we do or don’t do regarding this situation. I have certainly learned alot and am growing from it and any wisdom I receive on this lesson learned I do hope to pass on to other women someday as well.

You may want to rethink your motives before you respond to a person's e-mail. If I had been a new Christian your reply would be crushing. I think it is harsh of you and very unkind and un-Christlike to say you would not blame my husband if he left me. Please don't ever tell someone else that, I can take it and sense your perspective, but a new Christian might not. When Christ himself came upon the woman caught in actual adultery ready to be stoned, he simply told her to go and sin no more. He extended his mercy and grace to her.

God gave us the story of Amnon and Tamar (2 Samuel 13) for this situation from another pastor to us. It has helped so much, but every time I read it I still am struck with grief over the similarities and some days it is just hard to believe that someone you thought you knew so well, was so close and so loved was really motivated in that way. Would you have chided Tamar for going into Amnon's bedroom alone?

She probably should have known better... after all he was not full blooded family and she was a beautiful woman, but why would she have reason to fear? Her father the King sent her, her brother Absalom accompanied her and knew she was there, she wholeheartedly served, and the Bible lingers on how much she served without question… and then she was ultimately left holding the bag of his perpetrated sin. She knew him well and trusted him completely. If you are still married does your husband have to walk quite a thin line or do you offer mercy and grace to him? I am sure over the years he has offered grace and mercy to you as well.

May God keep your heart soft and tenderhearted as you minister truth to his people and as we continue to bear one another’s burdens and weaknesses.

Thank you for taking the time to respond and thank you for your opinion.

Have a blessed day.