Life...What is it, anyway? I wish I had someone that I could open honestly about this subject.
Now I have a sure, a sad one, but something I need to get use to. I will never have a life, or what other people call a life, I will never have real friends and real memories. I will never be in one place and feel like I am in reality, I never did.
My only wish is not to get alone. If I get alone, then I will lose myself. I am literally nothing without people around me to give me some of their joy and energy. The sad part is that I can't give nothing to them, no one will stick to a person that don't offers nothing in return. If I don't have memories I can't miss anything.
I can make myself go around in this world where I'm not doing anything, while I'm not there, I can do the things that I'm supose to do in order to survive, like have a job, earn money. Like I allways did, do what I have to do.
But have a life is not so that simple, I need people that don't need me.
Meds, therapy? What meds, what therapy? This way of not existing belongs to me, and I don't belong anywhere, to anything. I had born to be like this way. Who am I lying to! This feeling is how it feels to be me, this is who I am. I can cover it and pretend for some hours that I am and feel exactly how the other people do, but that isn't true. And I sincerely doubt that it will be any diferent. I may be smart, I may have some good talents, I may be someone with a good heart. But unfortunatly nothing of that is enough. I will never be able to enjoy life, just because of the fact that I'm not really in the life. It's a sad, annoying true and God, how I wish it was different. I can keep dreaming those silly girl dreams. I can dream about finding love, about built a life...but I'm completly, absolutly sure that it won't ever be true. Because I can't, this is how my brain allways work, even that I don't understand why. Nobody will ever understand, nobody will ever figure it out, nobody will ever help me. I know for sure, I can see it surprinsingly good now. It's a shame. I could have been someone. I could have use my talents to be something I like. I will not say goodbye to life, in fact, how am I supose to say goodbye to something that I never met? But I won't either say hello to it, ever. I will be around, you will see me and perceibe me as a real person, I will never know if I ever existed. **** you life!