Saw T tonight and was pretty much dreading it. Feel like I've taken a spiral downwards for the worse and getting anxiety of late of the notion of being trapped like this forever

Told her this and apologised... felt lousy and worried that I would 1. be frustrating her and 2. it would look like I was self-perpetuating my 'issues'.

She surprised me and said that I wasn't to worry... that work we've done up to now is about timing and that if stuff isn't working it can be put on the back burner. That she acknowledged I have a strong network of core beliefs from my youth that are going to take time to break down.

She spoke about what I'd done this week and I said that I'd welled up in speaking to the wife and to anyone irl for the most part, if anything I've just closeted away from everyone. She asked me quite a hard and what some might conceive an uncomfortable question "do you want to be married?". Sat there and chewed this question in my head... said that I love my wife, that right now I wasn't being a great husband... but this is just a moment in time... I've been the best I can in the past... and I'm sure I'll do the same in the future... that I don't intend to burn bridges based on the situation I'm in at the moment. However, that I don't want to cry for help over and over again... that I feel like I'm a broken record and I don't like appearing weak, even though I feel inside that I am.

She went on about 'no man is an island' and that it's important to communicate, especially with those close... so I said I'd try.

She seems convinced that we'll get a break through when we start the trauma work next month. Really dreading it... dreading that things I don't really want to talk about become fresh in my mind... or that I'll avoid certain things due to conceiving them stuff I just can't talk about, even to her (which won't do me any good in the long run).

Still feeling crappy, but it's reassuring that she took the back step in her stride.